Thursday, January 20, 2011
Undisclosed Post 2
I'm so stuck for the sermon, i really have nothing to type so far. At least there's still this online part to rant and honestly no one will ever know cause everyone prob thinks i've moved to tumblr.
I look at the sermon and i feel uninspired myself.. perhaps i'm not spirit led nor God led? I dunno. So distracted, so tired.. I really just want to make it through this weekend then decide how to live from then on.
School tml, bible study, bbq, sat morning work then sermon. I hope my sick body can take it.. seems on the verge of collapse. and i still want to exercise cause i feel fat and blobbish. Want to buy CNY clothes also thinking twice because i think i'll look bad in everything.
I keep telling myself just to keep pressing on, don't give up, dont give up. Everything's going to be fine.
Even now i'm quite worried about what to do after graduation. Should i dedicate the one year to full time first? I know alot of people will advise against it and for various reasons, but i'm really not sure.. God please show me a sign.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 7:45 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Undisclosed Post
I guess the only way to vent stuff is through online posts and through online blogs such as this. Moved to tumblr but even then that has become rather sensitive, sometimes i really just want to rant it online and let it all out, but i guess that would be insensitive and imaturity.. so i can only go to this secret place where no one knows, or actually remember because the last post was almost 3 years ago! HAHA looking back.. the blog thing was an attempt to try to fit in and try to relevant to the people around at that time.. have i progressed? Not really.
The people that i want to hang out with and try to stay close have other people in their lives. Other people who will call them bro and ask them out etc etc. Sad? Yeah to me of course but what can i say or do, perhaps it is just in my make up (DNA creation please) that i feel this way, maybe too often.
Just had another wave it over the past couple of days actually. And as usual, there's honestly no one to talk to about it or be patient with me about it. I think its not them, its just me who wants to just whine about it sometimes. I'm quite sick of feeling this way actually and I AM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
Yeah that's about it. I feel alot of pressure from everywhere.. But yet i cant seem to say anything about it or even surface anything about it, yeah press on, tahan, for a greater future etc etc. I'm so tired literally of everything.. i wish things in my life weren't like this. But i am very sure it is nothing compared to others around so yah lor, suck it up and move on. I'm just wondering when will it be that i suck it up and move on until one day i really just collapse and die.
I've been seeing signs of it actually but just tell myself to ignore it and to leave it. I cannot lah, i really cannot already. My heart's so broken. My body's so tired. My spirit's so crushed. My mind is so empty (cause never attend lectures). where do i go? what do i do? why do i still carry on even though i'm in so much great pain? why must all this happen? i am but just a mere human being that just wants a simple life.. that has always been the dream.
There's no faulting God because i know that whatever He wants for me is the best and allows it to go through for a reason.. its just the process that is seemingly beyond me and beyond any of my own capabilities. Or maybe i had none in the first place, maybe i am placed into a pair of shoes that is too big for me.. that when we start to run, i keep tripping and falling and failing over and over again.
The Lord sees and hears.. please Lord, please save me can? or just slap me up or something, i'm so exhausted. But i still have to bear so many people's burdens.. i'm really trying my best to hold it up and hold it in but one day i might just implode and real bad. i do not want that to happen anytime at all.
And everywhere i go, i see people attached and like so easy for them to find their life partners and seemingly like not that much obstacles stop them from being together. Then what about me? I slog and slog so hard and i work so hard but yet there's no reward in that sense. Or when i think i come close, it is snatched away once again. Maybe there's no hope for me, or maybe i am cursed to have this kind of life forever. yes yes it is non biblical so judge me. Why is it so hard for me to be together with someone that i fall in love with? I think i watch way too much of those stupid tv shows that maybe seems so bloody unrealistic. Chan 855 and 856, you are a thorn in my flesh. hahaha.
sigh, what can be said or done? i suck and i suck big time in every area possible. looks, finance, abilites, charisma, character, vision, fashion, planning, love, endurance, friendship etc etc.
this is it.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:57 PM
