Monday, March 15, 2010
have decided to move to tumblr for abit :)
alvinkubi.tumblr.com
will update here if anything else.. :)
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:39 PM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
my 100th post!
and thank God this 100th post is not going to be one that is of too much sadness..
had a good talk and realised i was totally off focus about several things.
its time to refocus.. time to rebuilt what was lost over the past few months.
all the confidence, the sight, visions, dreams.. gotta rebuilt but rebuilding is good, because it is improving on what was there previously. :)
to be honest, its going to be really hard and painful at some points.. i do foresee more sleepless nights, more waking up in the early mornings. but i know and i believe i'm exactly where God wants me to be at the moment..
so yes. new beginnings.. not the totally destroy everything but refocus.
REFOCUS.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 1:18 AM
Saturday, March 13, 2010
what do you do when u wake up at 630 am with that dreadful feeling that has been plaguing you?
i asked God to please take it away, doesn't really help.. it is not that God isn't real.. He'll take it away alright, soon enough i hope..
i really dunno what else to say or what else to do. its like one massive prolonged nightmare. i'm so sorry readers that you have to keep reading about all these posts recently (if u do carry on after the 1st few posts).. im really trying my best to overcome.
thought i could do the right thing this week, i was woefully wrong. all i needed to do was to shut up, but i couldn't. sometimes it seems like honesty isn't the best policy.. but then again, it is just from my part, i have no right to decide or what..
in fact, i don't think i have any rights anymore..
i just wanna sleep at night, sleep in for the mornings. but before i go to sleep, this haunts me and before i awake, the dreams rudely prods me away.
God, please please please give me a way out..
7am now. gonna try to sleep for awhile more before going to church..
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 6:49 AM
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
ah yes. here i am once again.
gonna sleep soon i guess? last night couldn't sleep even though i laid on the bed since 1.. and only knocked out about 4? the 3 hours of just struggling and crying was horrid. woke up at 740 when i was supposed to be in woodlands by 715! sigh.
i know and i'll just have to keep trusting God. yea i guess its no coincidence that these things happen when u start to pray for people, start to fast, yes this is a spiritual attack. and its only been 2 days. i think the crying part and staying awake for such a long time just drained me out, prayed and all, but still remained the same. experience? tough one. i really pray that one day i will not have to shed anymore tears over these issues.. so many years already, and it still seems to be here. i wonder why..
love is patient and love is kind. just these 2 attributes and i've already failed the loving-a-person test. haha. loving is hard yes? i love..
i think i might just be on a computer fast until the end of my exams. i know by doing so, i'll be able to study alot more productively.. do whatever that is best, not just what is good. but yet i think i'll feel very sad because i'll be left out of alot of stuff.. nowadays i actually do feel quite left out in many things, but what can i say? or who can i say to? i just smile and move on (or just do things by myself to tire myself out)..
God will make a way when there seems to be no way i hope. one day.. one day, i will be free from all this.. i know i will. and i know God will..
one day..
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 11:26 PM
Monday, March 1, 2010
Walk on.. Walk on..
thats all i keep telling myself nowadays. my life isnt that terrible honestly. i don't have a dysfunctional family, not suffering from any major disease, no terrible accidents to the ones i love.
sometimes it seems that you need to have like a MAJOR thing then people will take notice of you. i'm not complaining, it is just what i'm thinking. :)
BUT! (must practice positive confession) : God has been good though.. like.. He sends different ppl at different times to ask me about a particular issue. :) and i do share with them although i cant share what i feel totally, i just feel that God is taking care of me in this area. and moulding me in this area too. all the many nights of wondering / crying, the mornings of waking up wondering again, but God is good. i think through this issue, i've really learnt to put my dependence upon God so much more. Even as im typing now, i feel quite down, but All that is within me will bless Your Holy Name and i bless the Lord at all times. and i know and i believe that God is doing a major work within me..
in order to learn how to hold on, one must learn how to let go first. i'm learning to let go as i learn how to hold on, appreciate every little time spent, spoken together.
hmm gotta go eat dinner soon. i'll prob continue at night later on..
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 7:41 PM
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is
and I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme..
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 10:34 AM