Monday, February 8, 2010
i wish i had no emotions. i wish i had no feelings. i wish that my wishes would come true..but then again if it came true, i would be long gone before this blog was set up. :)
oh well. what can i say or do? every night i sit down and think, throughout the day i'm waiting. but increasingly it seems to be in vain. when will it end, 3 weeks and counting of this.. feeling. this is not what i imagined things to be like that.. well of course, over the years i realise that i can plan for many many many things but more often than not, nothing that i plan for really comes to the way i visualise it. perhaps i have a wrong vision then?
one day i know it'll get better.. for now, its really alot of holding back, self control, thinking positive and questioning God but yet just claiming verses.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 5:02 PM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
here i am.. 21st of jan! last day of the computer fast.. i think more than just a fast, it has been a habit for me to off the comp whenever i'm not using it.. perhaps i should just do it from now on? :) i think this place is the one of the few places where i can bare some (still not all) of my thoughts. and i notice i blog only when i feel upset.. sometimes being online can make me sad also as i look through FB and twitter feeling quite alone. haha weird but true..
i feel that i have nothing to offer the world or for that matter, anyone else around me. what value do i add or bring? i used to think i have an impact on people around me but now, not anymore.. somehow the truth always hurts.
well, this 3 days of fasting so far has been good? God already spoke on monday.. when my aunt called looking for my mum but instead ended up talking to me that God will honor me in my studies even as i honor Him with my time and ministry.. that's really amazing. 2 more days to go.. and i'll break fast...alone again. :)
need to go rest and back to the books! haha. or just get off the comp frm making myself feeling worse.. :)
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 4:06 PM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
hello world. :)
i finally have some time to update the blog.. aiyo go online means all the work to be done! sending like a mass flooding of emails is just.. tiring. no time to fb or tweet much too.. i honestly feel very left out! :) but hey, its ok.. i think that during this time of not using comp much, i've really had time to evaluate myself, read more books, study and most of all, to catch up with my beloved cell members.. so many of them going through tough times.. but it is a good sign, means that God is bringing them to the next level.. :)
oh well.. i'm quite tempted to buy lots of stuff.. but shall pay my bills first.. haha. i think i need a new bag though, got milo all over my current sling..and its almost 5 years old! woah cant believe i used it that long. :)
will update once again soon! :)
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 6:10 PM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
8th of Jan.. :) went for the medical review, doc put me up for a MRI scan for my knee.. that means no Singapore Biathlon for sure.. :( i was soooo confident that i'll be able to go for it, complete it in a faster timing and give a testimony... or maybe i still can? now the question is whether to go for the MRI and see how it goes? or just have faith and just sign up and take part.. what is having God-like faith and what is having Godly wisdom? its interesting battle of thoughts for me.. :)
well, been quite an interesting day i guess. went to get a blue shirt for $16 from G2ooo, got a hair cut, been using facial products all just for the photoshoot on sunday.. like im a model like that.. i think im just trying to make myself look and feel good even though i still don't feel very confident.. but oh well. all i want is to just be close to God. which i'm really experiencing at the moment.. thank you Jesus for that. i just pray that i will continue to be sensitive to His spirit and prompting.. doing the things that He has called me to do and doing them with love!
love is so important in a ministry. it makes the difference between working in a secular organisation and in the kingdom of God. and whatever Jesus did, He did it in love.. even when He corrected the rich young ruler. Jesus looked at him, loved him and then told him that he lacked something. woahhh. amazing revelation for me.. i need to love people more and just as God does and how God would look and love them..
and also was reading a worship book, thank God for providence! Pastor Janet gave that book to me for my birthday and it is sooo timely! from the ending of last year till now, i just feel the sensing that i need to improve my worship life, lo and behold, until me a book was given.. HAHA. :)
will share more soon!
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 1:42 AM
Friday, January 8, 2010
firstly, thank you once again to those who tagged on my tag board. appreciate it lots! :)
well.. its been an interesting 4 days so far? fasting from the computer (actually from using it too much) is quite good. i have studied more within these 4 days than the whole of last month (whoops!) and read more of christian books, exercise more (30 laps in 37 mins!) and slept abit more, talked to my mum more and played with my nephew more.. and of course feeling as well as really being much closer to God in a sense. i think this is really one of the breakthrough times for me when i fast. like food is tough but from the computer is really even tougher!
but it is worth it i believe. really, i never felt so close to God before.. i love Jesus and this is what i'll wanna do for Him. ya sure i cant play games and when i'm online, its really purely work basis and i do feel quite left out esp with all the facebook news feed thingy.. but i think in terms of eternity mindset, it is worth it.
was just thinking over the 2 days.. like the 6th of Jan 2010 is soo different from the 6th of Jan 2009. i think 2009 was carrying lots of stuff over from the 2008.. 2010 sure still got some stuff that i carried over from 2009, but it feels and really is quite different. i think it is like what Pastor Mark said, Right thinking, Right living.. if i were to face what im facing now (in 2010) in 2009, i think i'll be as depressed as i was then.. but being renewed in the mind really changes stuff! love what Pastor Mark preached, it was really a confirmation after i read Pastor Cho's 4th Dimension book!
another 15 mins before i go offline, soon soon soon.. times are tough but God is even tougher than them because He created time.. haha. :) but we must go through the trial to receive the triumph (courtesy of Kenneth SW), i am more than willing.
i have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back..
no turning back.
bless you readers!
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 12:36 AM
Sunday, January 3, 2010
ah yes. here i am once again.. typing stuff into my bloggie.
just finished spiderman 3, that show never fails to make me cry or be all soft in the heart. like how Harry really give his pride and his life up for Peter, and even the girl of his dreams, MJ (who screams way too much in the 3 movies so far), up to Peter.. true friendship? perhaps. and i guess its a really harsh reminder that maybe that as much as i say i wanna be a true friend, maybe i am not such a person. maybe i dun have the love within me.. maybe i'm just all harshness and no tenderness.. the tag "gentle giant" is just.. off. this blog is my only way of releasing just a very tiny bit of what i feel within, i'm only human.. through and through a human being, created by the One most high and experiencing all the emotions within.
although i'm thankful that God has answered my prayers so far and confirmations about the direction that i'm heading.. it is easy to be focused when everyone is around but the moment i step out of church and am on the bus back alone, my mind just gets flooded with the millions of thoughts. thoughts of self loathe, inferiority, hopelessness, pain, comparison. sometimes it just feels like the breakup about 5 years back.. i'm not sure why.. ah! God to me, is faithful and true, and i know that as i go through this period of serious pain, He will be faithful and true to carry me through.. i really i hope i last till then.
school beckons once again tml.. my resolution is not to miss any class (and i cant now, attendance is being taken already.. :( ) so yup, have to go to school tml, catch up and study as hard as possible. plus feel abit weird around.. not sure why! facing the giants one by one, hurrah hurrah..
oh well.
Right thinking leads to Right Living..
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:44 PM
Thursday, December 31, 2009
i really like to blog while on the bed.. its quite cool, it is like one of the "laidback" things that i can get to do once in awhile..
it'll be nice to lie on the beach or on a sun chair and blog too, sounds cool and relaxing but in actual fact it is not very practical. i loveeee to burst my own bubbles of hidden joy..haha.
20 by March 2010 - new cell goal.. need to speak life into this, 20 is just but a number, something tangible to measure the Commandment He gave - to make disciples of all the nations.
1 salvation in 2009 only, come on 2010 gotta have more, loving God needs to translate into loving people as well. Love is patient and love is kind.. i failed just reading this two points on love. i am neither patient nor kind.. not yet at least, not in my own eyes at least. perhaps high standards has been my "downfalls" but hey, everyone's entitled to their own opinions aren't they?
nevertheless this isn't about throwing mud at myself. been reading 4th dimension by Ps Cho Yonggi. it is mind blowing and amazing.. the stories within are so simple and yet so powerful. sometimes there is really much more in the simplicity of life, no wonder Jesus said we should go to Him with a childlike faith, there is no need to overcomplicate simple stuff. just have faith!
up to this point, not too sure if i'm making much sense about anything.. i do suppose my mind is in a whole maze of thoughts, there are some dead ends, there are some winding paths. regardless, there will still be a way out.
looking at 2010, (besides world cup) i think there are many things to look forward to.. or be worried about. it is hard to choose between the two actually. both are considered "objectives" to keep going forward.. e.g. worry - exams! it is a huge thing on my mind, esp with 6 modules to cover (i promise not to skip any classes in 2010) but yet it is something that i have to keep walking towards and i eventually will have to sit for it and overcometh the dragon from london.
i look forward to serving even more in ministry, being able to plan more stuff and def to grow the cell from 13 to 20 to 40. like the thought of that makes me soooooooooo excited (x infinite) but i also know the work ahead is gonna be massive for me.. plus! still gotta work to upkeep bankloan as well as the laptop installment. oh how i lament that i did not have earthly provision to do so. but where man fails, God provides and God provides so much that His name will be glorified. amen!
i can't really remember what i wrote down on my paper for last year's watchnight. HAHA. :) but i do know what wasn't fulfilled.. why ah. i know the answer but i still wonder and to a certain extent, insistently question why is it like that. all in His time.. trust? yup perhaps..
i'm still bouncing off the maze walls.. here, there, everywhere (quack quack). and usually i joke when i say i'm fat. but i really really realised the impact of not running for two months already.. flabby and unfit and out of shape! oh my goodness.. (i heard the knives sharpening to stab me for my lack of sensitivity) need to get back to the push ups, sit ups and really running soon. my knee's giving me problems at night and in the morning because i cannot stretch fully.. it seems to have a knot inside or something, hurts at times.. please be healed soon so that i can enter into the secret place where my heart can be free.. :)
this particular blog post so far is not designed to make any sense! so if you've read until here, well done. hope your brain's not too confused in "my maze". random note, praying that 2 people do get together, they seem perfect for each other, i hope the guy makes a move or something.. sitting down and listening to two of them talk, just sense they'll be good for one another..haha. but i might be wrong also! :)
am so tired but just feel like blogging? all the random thoughts from me. positive confession! i am gonna do well for my exams, so gonna get in shape, cell will become a zone, ministry will be stronger, clean up my room, no more financial worries, find my lifey soon, get to go hillsongs conference or a mission trip, make more friends and keep friends. dunno what else i might have missed out.. can be quite a scatterbrain at night.
speaking of which.. i think strong infrastructure is one of the keys to growth, organisation of resources is essential to maximising the output from the inputs. doesn't make sense? well it does to me. the infrastructure of a bowl must be strong and tight enough to ensure that when water is poured into it, there will be no leaks. sure if too much water is poured into it, there will be an overflow.. however the overflow is something that is planned for and therefore there will be an even bigger bowl to contain the excess water. brilliant? i think so too.. haha.
alright think i've said enough... for now. dear reader, hope you're not too confused! remember you've just walked through a maze of thoughts and well, you're kinda at the end of it.. or so you think. actually, don't need to think laaaaaa. keep everything simple and life will be fine. night!
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 1:56 AM
