Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I don't ask for much, just one day the sun will shine again and life will be good once more.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:57 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Undisclosed Post 3
I have roughly about 2 months to my exams and i honestly haven't really started. That's one of the things that is bugging me constantly. Can't do anything else in peace with that at the back (or the front) of my mind.
Its quite hard to concentrate and i do hope i'll make it somehow. A weird part of me wishes that it was rewound to last year's March. Sure it was super painful and alot of other things. But it is so much more focused than this year. It was hell but yet, it was worth it at the end.
What's this year? It feels like crap so far. The truth is that i can never get away from here so i'll just make do with everything that is present. Obviously i would love a restart button, but nope it's not practical.
I feel very trapped inside. Not too sure why also. Seems to be many things bugging me. Perhaps my idealistic mind has gotten a hold of me. I think i need to learn to accept the facts or rather, just accept everything as it is, don't struggle, don't fight and leave it.
Passive si what i am already, now i'm even more passive and going with the flow. I feel that i've lost a huge part of myself, lost respect and love of my friends. Am i alone? Yes i think so at times. Compared to last year, this year is just a shadow of what i can be. And yet this is the year of fulfillment. Fulfill what? The ability to mess everything up?
On some level, i think im really depressed as well. My heart is so weak and i'm barely holding on. Just by a thread, or something that is thinner than a thread. My only hope is that i don't cause anymore screw ups. Its pathetic how things are. From striving for greater things to just hoping i don't mess up anymore.
How did everything become like this? Mistakes. Indecisiveness. All qualities that are bad for a person, supposedly to be a man of God. True men don't keep making the same freaking mistake over. But i am such. How many times already? Like an idiot.
All i just ask, dear Lord, is for everything to be somehow fine. That's all.
Or well, take me away to heaven. Or somewhere else.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:49 PM
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Life doesn't have to always be this hard does it?
My Letter to God. Please answer it Lord, please. In the way that is best and perfect for all.
Please Lord. i already have so much of the fighting at home and disagreements. i do not want anymore in my life. I might just go emotional or go crazy.
All i ask is for You to come through.
Please Lord.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 3:06 AM
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Undisclosed Post 2
I'm so stuck for the sermon, i really have nothing to type so far. At least there's still this online part to rant and honestly no one will ever know cause everyone prob thinks i've moved to tumblr.
I look at the sermon and i feel uninspired myself.. perhaps i'm not spirit led nor God led? I dunno. So distracted, so tired.. I really just want to make it through this weekend then decide how to live from then on.
School tml, bible study, bbq, sat morning work then sermon. I hope my sick body can take it.. seems on the verge of collapse. and i still want to exercise cause i feel fat and blobbish. Want to buy CNY clothes also thinking twice because i think i'll look bad in everything.
I keep telling myself just to keep pressing on, don't give up, dont give up. Everything's going to be fine.
Even now i'm quite worried about what to do after graduation. Should i dedicate the one year to full time first? I know alot of people will advise against it and for various reasons, but i'm really not sure.. God please show me a sign.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 7:45 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Undisclosed Post
I guess the only way to vent stuff is through online posts and through online blogs such as this. Moved to tumblr but even then that has become rather sensitive, sometimes i really just want to rant it online and let it all out, but i guess that would be insensitive and imaturity.. so i can only go to this secret place where no one knows, or actually remember because the last post was almost 3 years ago! HAHA looking back.. the blog thing was an attempt to try to fit in and try to relevant to the people around at that time.. have i progressed? Not really.
The people that i want to hang out with and try to stay close have other people in their lives. Other people who will call them bro and ask them out etc etc. Sad? Yeah to me of course but what can i say or do, perhaps it is just in my make up (DNA creation please) that i feel this way, maybe too often.
Just had another wave it over the past couple of days actually. And as usual, there's honestly no one to talk to about it or be patient with me about it. I think its not them, its just me who wants to just whine about it sometimes. I'm quite sick of feeling this way actually and I AM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
Yeah that's about it. I feel alot of pressure from everywhere.. But yet i cant seem to say anything about it or even surface anything about it, yeah press on, tahan, for a greater future etc etc. I'm so tired literally of everything.. i wish things in my life weren't like this. But i am very sure it is nothing compared to others around so yah lor, suck it up and move on. I'm just wondering when will it be that i suck it up and move on until one day i really just collapse and die.
I've been seeing signs of it actually but just tell myself to ignore it and to leave it. I cannot lah, i really cannot already. My heart's so broken. My body's so tired. My spirit's so crushed. My mind is so empty (cause never attend lectures). where do i go? what do i do? why do i still carry on even though i'm in so much great pain? why must all this happen? i am but just a mere human being that just wants a simple life.. that has always been the dream.
There's no faulting God because i know that whatever He wants for me is the best and allows it to go through for a reason.. its just the process that is seemingly beyond me and beyond any of my own capabilities. Or maybe i had none in the first place, maybe i am placed into a pair of shoes that is too big for me.. that when we start to run, i keep tripping and falling and failing over and over again.
The Lord sees and hears.. please Lord, please save me can? or just slap me up or something, i'm so exhausted. But i still have to bear so many people's burdens.. i'm really trying my best to hold it up and hold it in but one day i might just implode and real bad. i do not want that to happen anytime at all.
And everywhere i go, i see people attached and like so easy for them to find their life partners and seemingly like not that much obstacles stop them from being together. Then what about me? I slog and slog so hard and i work so hard but yet there's no reward in that sense. Or when i think i come close, it is snatched away once again. Maybe there's no hope for me, or maybe i am cursed to have this kind of life forever. yes yes it is non biblical so judge me. Why is it so hard for me to be together with someone that i fall in love with? I think i watch way too much of those stupid tv shows that maybe seems so bloody unrealistic. Chan 855 and 856, you are a thorn in my flesh. hahaha.
sigh, what can be said or done? i suck and i suck big time in every area possible. looks, finance, abilites, charisma, character, vision, fashion, planning, love, endurance, friendship etc etc.
this is it.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:57 PM
Monday, March 15, 2010
have decided to move to tumblr for abit :)
alvinkubi.tumblr.com
will update here if anything else.. :)
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 9:39 PM
Sunday, March 14, 2010
my 100th post!
and thank God this 100th post is not going to be one that is of too much sadness..
had a good talk and realised i was totally off focus about several things.
its time to refocus.. time to rebuilt what was lost over the past few months.
all the confidence, the sight, visions, dreams.. gotta rebuilt but rebuilding is good, because it is improving on what was there previously. :)
to be honest, its going to be really hard and painful at some points.. i do foresee more sleepless nights, more waking up in the early mornings. but i know and i believe i'm exactly where God wants me to be at the moment..
so yes. new beginnings.. not the totally destroy everything but refocus.
REFOCUS.
Till i see You once again..,
Time: 1:18 AM
