a simple diary..

2011-04-05T21:57:00.001+08:00

I don't ask for much, just one day the sun will shine again and life will be good once more.

Undisclosed Post 3

2011-03-22T21:49:00.002+08:00

I have roughly about 2 months to my exams and i honestly haven't really started. That's one of the things that is bugging me constantly. Can't do anything else in peace with that at the back (or the front) of my mind.

Its quite hard to concentrate and i do hope i'll make it somehow. A weird part of me wishes that it was rewound to last year's March. Sure it was super painful and alot of other things. But it is so much more focused than this year. It was hell but yet, it was worth it at the end.

What's this year? It feels like crap so far. The truth is that i can never get away from here so i'll just make do with everything that is present. Obviously i would love a restart button, but nope it's not practical.

I feel very trapped inside. Not too sure why also. Seems to be many things bugging me. Perhaps my idealistic mind has gotten a hold of me. I think i need to learn to accept the facts or rather, just accept everything as it is, don't struggle, don't fight and leave it.

Passive si what i am already, now i'm even more passive and going with the flow. I feel that i've lost a huge part of myself, lost respect and love of my friends. Am i alone? Yes i think so at times. Compared to last year, this year is just a shadow of what i can be. And yet this is the year of fulfillment. Fulfill what? The ability to mess everything up?

On some level, i think im really depressed as well. My heart is so weak and i'm barely holding on. Just by a thread, or something that is thinner than a thread. My only hope is that i don't cause anymore screw ups. Its pathetic how things are. From striving for greater things to just hoping i don't mess up anymore.

How did everything become like this? Mistakes. Indecisiveness. All qualities that are bad for a person, supposedly to be a man of God. True men don't keep making the same freaking mistake over. But i am such. How many times already? Like an idiot.

All i just ask, dear Lord, is for everything to be somehow fine. That's all.

Or well, take me away to heaven. Or somewhere else.

2011-03-19T03:06:00.002+08:00

Life doesn't have to always be this hard does it?

My Letter to God. Please answer it Lord, please. In the way that is best and perfect for all.

Please Lord. i already have so much of the fighting at home and disagreements. i do not want anymore in my life. I might just go emotional or go crazy.

All i ask is for You to come through.

Please Lord.

Undisclosed Post 2

2011-01-20T19:45:00.002+08:00

I'm so stuck for the sermon, i really have nothing to type so far. At least there's still this online part to rant and honestly no one will ever know cause everyone prob thinks i've moved to tumblr.

I look at the sermon and i feel uninspired myself.. perhaps i'm not spirit led nor God led? I dunno. So distracted, so tired.. I really just want to make it through this weekend then decide how to live from then on.

School tml, bible study, bbq, sat morning work then sermon. I hope my sick body can take it.. seems on the verge of collapse. and i still want to exercise cause i feel fat and blobbish. Want to buy CNY clothes also thinking twice because i think i'll look bad in everything.

I keep telling myself just to keep pressing on, don't give up, dont give up. Everything's going to be fine.

Even now i'm quite worried about what to do after graduation. Should i dedicate the one year to full time first? I know alot of people will advise against it and for various reasons, but i'm really not sure.. God please show me a sign.

Undisclosed Post

2011-01-18T21:57:00.002+08:00

I guess the only way to vent stuff is through online posts and through online blogs such as this. Moved to tumblr but even then that has become rather sensitive, sometimes i really just want to rant it online and let it all out, but i guess that would be insensitive and imaturity.. so i can only go to this secret place where no one knows, or actually remember because the last post was almost 3 years ago! HAHA looking back.. the blog thing was an attempt to try to fit in and try to relevant to the people around at that time.. have i progressed? Not really.

The people that i want to hang out with and try to stay close have other people in their lives. Other people who will call them bro and ask them out etc etc. Sad? Yeah to me of course but what can i say or do, perhaps it is just in my make up (DNA creation please) that i feel this way, maybe too often.

Just had another wave it over the past couple of days actually. And as usual, there's honestly no one to talk to about it or be patient with me about it. I think its not them, its just me who wants to just whine about it sometimes. I'm quite sick of feeling this way actually and I AM SO SICK OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.

Yeah that's about it. I feel alot of pressure from everywhere.. But yet i cant seem to say anything about it or even surface anything about it, yeah press on, tahan, for a greater future etc etc. I'm so tired literally of everything.. i wish things in my life weren't like this. But i am very sure it is nothing compared to others around so yah lor, suck it up and move on. I'm just wondering when will it be that i suck it up and move on until one day i really just collapse and die.

I've been seeing signs of it actually but just tell myself to ignore it and to leave it. I cannot lah, i really cannot already. My heart's so broken. My body's so tired. My spirit's so crushed. My mind is so empty (cause never attend lectures). where do i go? what do i do? why do i still carry on even though i'm in so much great pain? why must all this happen? i am but just a mere human being that just wants a simple life.. that has always been the dream.

There's no faulting God because i know that whatever He wants for me is the best and allows it to go through for a reason.. its just the process that is seemingly beyond me and beyond any of my own capabilities. Or maybe i had none in the first place, maybe i am placed into a pair of shoes that is too big for me.. that when we start to run, i keep tripping and falling and failing over and over again.

The Lord sees and hears.. please Lord, please save me can? or just slap me up or something, i'm so exhausted. But i still have to bear so many people's burdens.. i'm really trying my best to hold it up and hold it in but one day i might just implode and real bad. i do not want that to happen anytime at all.

And everywhere i go, i see people attached and like so easy for them to find their life partners and seemingly like not that much obstacles stop them from being together. Then what about me? I slog and slog so hard and i work so hard but yet there's no reward in that sense. Or when i think i come close, it is snatched away once again. Maybe there's no hope for me, or maybe i am cursed to have this kind of life forever. yes yes it is non biblical so judge me. Why is it so hard for me to be together with someone that i fall in love with? I think i watch way too much of those stupid tv shows that maybe seems so bloody unrealistic. Chan 855 and 856, you are a thorn in my flesh. hahaha.

sigh, what can be said or done? i suck and i suck big time in every area possible. looks, finance, abilites, charisma, character, vision, fashion, planning, love, endurance, friendship etc etc.

this is it.

2010-03-15T21:39:00.001+08:00

have decided to move to tumblr for abit :)

alvinkubi.tumblr.com

will update here if anything else.. :)

2010-03-14T01:18:00.002+08:00

my 100th post!

and thank God this 100th post is not going to be one that is of too much sadness..

had a good talk and realised i was totally off focus about several things.

its time to refocus.. time to rebuilt what was lost over the past few months.

all the confidence, the sight, visions, dreams.. gotta rebuilt but rebuilding is good, because it is improving on what was there previously. :)

to be honest, its going to be really hard and painful at some points.. i do foresee more sleepless nights, more waking up in the early mornings. but i know and i believe i'm exactly where God wants me to be at the moment..

so yes. new beginnings.. not the totally destroy everything but refocus.

REFOCUS.

2010-03-13T06:49:00.002+08:00

what do you do when u wake up at 630 am with that dreadful feeling that has been plaguing you?

i asked God to please take it away, doesn't really help.. it is not that God isn't real.. He'll take it away alright, soon enough i hope..

i really dunno what else to say or what else to do. its like one massive prolonged nightmare. i'm so sorry readers that you have to keep reading about all these posts recently (if u do carry on after the 1st few posts).. im really trying my best to overcome.

thought i could do the right thing this week, i was woefully wrong. all i needed to do was to shut up, but i couldn't. sometimes it seems like honesty isn't the best policy.. but then again, it is just from my part, i have no right to decide or what..

in fact, i don't think i have any rights anymore..

i just wanna sleep at night, sleep in for the mornings. but before i go to sleep, this haunts me and before i awake, the dreams rudely prods me away.

God, please please please give me a way out..

7am now. gonna try to sleep for awhile more before going to church..

2010-03-09T23:26:00.002+08:00

ah yes. here i am once again.

gonna sleep soon i guess? last night couldn't sleep even though i laid on the bed since 1.. and only knocked out about 4? the 3 hours of just struggling and crying was horrid. woke up at 740 when i was supposed to be in woodlands by 715! sigh.

i know and i'll just have to keep trusting God. yea i guess its no coincidence that these things happen when u start to pray for people, start to fast, yes this is a spiritual attack. and its only been 2 days. i think the crying part and staying awake for such a long time just drained me out, prayed and all, but still remained the same. experience? tough one. i really pray that one day i will not have to shed anymore tears over these issues.. so many years already, and it still seems to be here. i wonder why..

love is patient and love is kind. just these 2 attributes and i've already failed the loving-a-person test. haha. loving is hard yes? i love..

i think i might just be on a computer fast until the end of my exams. i know by doing so, i'll be able to study alot more productively.. do whatever that is best, not just what is good. but yet i think i'll feel very sad because i'll be left out of alot of stuff.. nowadays i actually do feel quite left out in many things, but what can i say? or who can i say to? i just smile and move on (or just do things by myself to tire myself out)..

God will make a way when there seems to be no way i hope. one day.. one day, i will be free from all this.. i know i will. and i know God will..

one day..

2010-03-01T19:41:00.002+08:00

Walk on.. Walk on..

thats all i keep telling myself nowadays. my life isnt that terrible honestly. i don't have a dysfunctional family, not suffering from any major disease, no terrible accidents to the ones i love.

sometimes it seems that you need to have like a MAJOR thing then people will take notice of you. i'm not complaining, it is just what i'm thinking. :)

BUT! (must practice positive confession) : God has been good though.. like.. He sends different ppl at different times to ask me about a particular issue. :) and i do share with them although i cant share what i feel totally, i just feel that God is taking care of me in this area. and moulding me in this area too. all the many nights of wondering / crying, the mornings of waking up wondering again, but God is good. i think through this issue, i've really learnt to put my dependence upon God so much more. Even as im typing now, i feel quite down, but All that is within me will bless Your Holy Name and i bless the Lord at all times. and i know and i believe that God is doing a major work within me..

in order to learn how to hold on, one must learn how to let go first. i'm learning to let go as i learn how to hold on, appreciate every little time spent, spoken together.

hmm gotta go eat dinner soon. i'll prob continue at night later on..

2010-03-01T10:34:00.000+08:00

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

and I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme..

2010-02-18T01:18:00.003+08:00

my heart at this point of time hurts.

so badly it does.

i wonder why though. why it should even be this way.. God knows. as in seriously only He knows.

every night i lie down wondering sometimes crying. every morning i wake up with such a feeling in my heart, wishing and believing for the best.. but more often than not, it turns out otherwise.

why?

i don't think i'll ever know soon.

can anyone save me?

2010-02-08T17:02:00.003+08:00

i wish i had no emotions. i wish i had no feelings. i wish that my wishes would come true..but then again if it came true, i would be long gone before this blog was set up. :)

oh well. what can i say or do? every night i sit down and think, throughout the day i'm waiting. but increasingly it seems to be in vain. when will it end, 3 weeks and counting of this.. feeling. this is not what i imagined things to be like that.. well of course, over the years i realise that i can plan for many many many things but more often than not, nothing that i plan for really comes to the way i visualise it. perhaps i have a wrong vision then?

one day i know it'll get better.. for now, its really alot of holding back, self control, thinking positive and questioning God but yet just claiming verses.

2010-01-21T16:06:00.003+08:00

here i am.. 21st of jan! last day of the computer fast.. i think more than just a fast, it has been a habit for me to off the comp whenever i'm not using it.. perhaps i should just do it from now on? :) i think this place is the one of the few places where i can bare some (still not all) of my thoughts. and i notice i blog only when i feel upset.. sometimes being online can make me sad also as i look through FB and twitter feeling quite alone. haha weird but true..

i feel that i have nothing to offer the world or for that matter, anyone else around me. what value do i add or bring? i used to think i have an impact on people around me but now, not anymore.. somehow the truth always hurts.

well, this 3 days of fasting so far has been good? God already spoke on monday.. when my aunt called looking for my mum but instead ended up talking to me that God will honor me in my studies even as i honor Him with my time and ministry.. that's really amazing. 2 more days to go.. and i'll break fast...alone again. :)

need to go rest and back to the books! haha. or just get off the comp frm making myself feeling worse.. :)

2010-01-12T18:10:00.002+08:00

hello world. :)

i finally have some time to update the blog.. aiyo go online means all the work to be done! sending like a mass flooding of emails is just.. tiring. no time to fb or tweet much too.. i honestly feel very left out! :) but hey, its ok.. i think that during this time of not using comp much, i've really had time to evaluate myself, read more books, study and most of all, to catch up with my beloved cell members.. so many of them going through tough times.. but it is a good sign, means that God is bringing them to the next level.. :)

oh well.. i'm quite tempted to buy lots of stuff.. but shall pay my bills first.. haha. i think i need a new bag though, got milo all over my current sling..and its almost 5 years old! woah cant believe i used it that long. :)

will update once again soon! :)

2010-01-09T01:42:00.003+08:00

8th of Jan.. :) went for the medical review, doc put me up for a MRI scan for my knee.. that means no Singapore Biathlon for sure.. :( i was soooo confident that i'll be able to go for it, complete it in a faster timing and give a testimony... or maybe i still can? now the question is whether to go for the MRI and see how it goes? or just have faith and just sign up and take part.. what is having God-like faith and what is having Godly wisdom? its interesting battle of thoughts for me.. :)

well, been quite an interesting day i guess. went to get a blue shirt for $16 from G2ooo, got a hair cut, been using facial products all just for the photoshoot on sunday.. like im a model like that.. i think im just trying to make myself look and feel good even though i still don't feel very confident.. but oh well. all i want is to just be close to God. which i'm really experiencing at the moment.. thank you Jesus for that. i just pray that i will continue to be sensitive to His spirit and prompting.. doing the things that He has called me to do and doing them with love!

love is so important in a ministry. it makes the difference between working in a secular organisation and in the kingdom of God. and whatever Jesus did, He did it in love.. even when He corrected the rich young ruler. Jesus looked at him, loved him and then told him that he lacked something. woahhh. amazing revelation for me.. i need to love people more and just as God does and how God would look and love them..

and also was reading a worship book, thank God for providence! Pastor Janet gave that book to me for my birthday and it is sooo timely! from the ending of last year till now, i just feel the sensing that i need to improve my worship life, lo and behold, until me a book was given.. HAHA. :)

will share more soon!

2010-01-08T00:36:00.002+08:00

firstly, thank you once again to those who tagged on my tag board. appreciate it lots! :)

well.. its been an interesting 4 days so far? fasting from the computer (actually from using it too much) is quite good. i have studied more within these 4 days than the whole of last month (whoops!) and read more of christian books, exercise more (30 laps in 37 mins!) and slept abit more, talked to my mum more and played with my nephew more.. and of course feeling as well as really being much closer to God in a sense. i think this is really one of the breakthrough times for me when i fast. like food is tough but from the computer is really even tougher!

but it is worth it i believe. really, i never felt so close to God before.. i love Jesus and this is what i'll wanna do for Him. ya sure i cant play games and when i'm online, its really purely work basis and i do feel quite left out esp with all the facebook news feed thingy.. but i think in terms of eternity mindset, it is worth it.

was just thinking over the 2 days.. like the 6th of Jan 2010 is soo different from the 6th of Jan 2009. i think 2009 was carrying lots of stuff over from the 2008.. 2010 sure still got some stuff that i carried over from 2009, but it feels and really is quite different. i think it is like what Pastor Mark said, Right thinking, Right living.. if i were to face what im facing now (in 2010) in 2009, i think i'll be as depressed as i was then.. but being renewed in the mind really changes stuff! love what Pastor Mark preached, it was really a confirmation after i read Pastor Cho's 4th Dimension book!

another 15 mins before i go offline, soon soon soon.. times are tough but God is even tougher than them because He created time.. haha. :) but we must go through the trial to receive the triumph (courtesy of Kenneth SW), i am more than willing.

i have decided to follow Jesus,

no turning back..

no turning back.

bless you readers!

2010-01-03T21:44:00.002+08:00

ah yes. here i am once again.. typing stuff into my bloggie.

just finished spiderman 3, that show never fails to make me cry or be all soft in the heart. like how Harry really give his pride and his life up for Peter, and even the girl of his dreams, MJ (who screams way too much in the 3 movies so far), up to Peter.. true friendship? perhaps. and i guess its a really harsh reminder that maybe that as much as i say i wanna be a true friend, maybe i am not such a person. maybe i dun have the love within me.. maybe i'm just all harshness and no tenderness.. the tag "gentle giant" is just.. off. this blog is my only way of releasing just a very tiny bit of what i feel within, i'm only human.. through and through a human being, created by the One most high and experiencing all the emotions within.

although i'm thankful that God has answered my prayers so far and confirmations about the direction that i'm heading.. it is easy to be focused when everyone is around but the moment i step out of church and am on the bus back alone, my mind just gets flooded with the millions of thoughts. thoughts of self loathe, inferiority, hopelessness, pain, comparison. sometimes it just feels like the breakup about 5 years back.. i'm not sure why.. ah! God to me, is faithful and true, and i know that as i go through this period of serious pain, He will be faithful and true to carry me through.. i really i hope i last till then.

school beckons once again tml.. my resolution is not to miss any class (and i cant now, attendance is being taken already.. :( ) so yup, have to go to school tml, catch up and study as hard as possible. plus feel abit weird around.. not sure why! facing the giants one by one, hurrah hurrah..

oh well.

Right thinking leads to Right Living..

2009-12-31T01:56:00.002+08:00

i really like to blog while on the bed.. its quite cool, it is like one of the "laidback" things that i can get to do once in awhile..

it'll be nice to lie on the beach or on a sun chair and blog too, sounds cool and relaxing but in actual fact it is not very practical. i loveeee to burst my own bubbles of hidden joy..haha.

20 by March 2010 - new cell goal.. need to speak life into this, 20 is just but a number, something tangible to measure the Commandment He gave - to make disciples of all the nations.

1 salvation in 2009 only, come on 2010 gotta have more, loving God needs to translate into loving people as well. Love is patient and love is kind.. i failed just reading this two points on love. i am neither patient nor kind.. not yet at least, not in my own eyes at least. perhaps high standards has been my "downfalls" but hey, everyone's entitled to their own opinions aren't they?

nevertheless this isn't about throwing mud at myself. been reading 4th dimension by Ps Cho Yonggi. it is mind blowing and amazing.. the stories within are so simple and yet so powerful. sometimes there is really much more in the simplicity of life, no wonder Jesus said we should go to Him with a childlike faith, there is no need to overcomplicate simple stuff. just have faith!

up to this point, not too sure if i'm making much sense about anything.. i do suppose my mind is in a whole maze of thoughts, there are some dead ends, there are some winding paths. regardless, there will still be a way out.

looking at 2010, (besides world cup) i think there are many things to look forward to.. or be worried about. it is hard to choose between the two actually. both are considered "objectives" to keep going forward.. e.g. worry - exams! it is a huge thing on my mind, esp with 6 modules to cover (i promise not to skip any classes in 2010) but yet it is something that i have to keep walking towards and i eventually will have to sit for it and overcometh the dragon from london.

i look forward to serving even more in ministry, being able to plan more stuff and def to grow the cell from 13 to 20 to 40. like the thought of that makes me soooooooooo excited (x infinite) but i also know the work ahead is gonna be massive for me.. plus! still gotta work to upkeep bankloan as well as the laptop installment. oh how i lament that i did not have earthly provision to do so. but where man fails, God provides and God provides so much that His name will be glorified. amen!

i can't really remember what i wrote down on my paper for last year's watchnight. HAHA. :) but i do know what wasn't fulfilled.. why ah. i know the answer but i still wonder and to a certain extent, insistently question why is it like that. all in His time.. trust? yup perhaps..

i'm still bouncing off the maze walls.. here, there, everywhere (quack quack). and usually i joke when i say i'm fat. but i really really realised the impact of not running for two months already.. flabby and unfit and out of shape! oh my goodness.. (i heard the knives sharpening to stab me for my lack of sensitivity) need to get back to the push ups, sit ups and really running soon. my knee's giving me problems at night and in the morning because i cannot stretch fully.. it seems to have a knot inside or something, hurts at times.. please be healed soon so that i can enter into the secret place where my heart can be free.. :)

this particular blog post so far is not designed to make any sense! so if you've read until here, well done. hope your brain's not too confused in "my maze". random note, praying that 2 people do get together, they seem perfect for each other, i hope the guy makes a move or something.. sitting down and listening to two of them talk, just sense they'll be good for one another..haha. but i might be wrong also! :)

am so tired but just feel like blogging? all the random thoughts from me. positive confession! i am gonna do well for my exams, so gonna get in shape, cell will become a zone, ministry will be stronger, clean up my room, no more financial worries, find my lifey soon, get to go hillsongs conference or a mission trip, make more friends and keep friends. dunno what else i might have missed out.. can be quite a scatterbrain at night.

speaking of which.. i think strong infrastructure is one of the keys to growth, organisation of resources is essential to maximising the output from the inputs. doesn't make sense? well it does to me. the infrastructure of a bowl must be strong and tight enough to ensure that when water is poured into it, there will be no leaks. sure if too much water is poured into it, there will be an overflow.. however the overflow is something that is planned for and therefore there will be an even bigger bowl to contain the excess water. brilliant? i think so too.. haha.

alright think i've said enough... for now. dear reader, hope you're not too confused! remember you've just walked through a maze of thoughts and well, you're kinda at the end of it.. or so you think. actually, don't need to think laaaaaa. keep everything simple and life will be fine. night!

2009-12-26T01:25:00.003+08:00

i look back at 2007 posts and i freak out.

Merry Christmas.. or so it says. rain rain rain, in every aspect. i think i am an extremely hard person to please. I might laugh on the outside but actually am crashing within. Can't wait for 2009 to be over.. not that i know 2010 will be like 100000 times better but 2009 is just.. like that.

Family gathering strangely feel okay even with the out of tune carols and super off beat singing.. i did drift in and out with my thoughts and all, feel stuffed with food but devoid of sentiment. I dare say that i'm actually quite ruthless in the way i deal with things in my life.. or even towards the people i love and care for. i really don't think anyone will understand what i'm saying.. or me for that matter, but who's complaining? Life still has to go on somehow.. i'll find a path, any path, the right path.

Merry Box-mas.

2009-12-19T10:23:00.004+08:00

Unshakeable with tears in my eyes.

I think this path that i have to take now is really one that has to be walked alone.

God help me.

2009-11-11T00:40:00.002+08:00

well!

i'm quite exhausted i must say.. working onsite in the morning and then backroom in the afternoon is quite draining.. but well, at least it brings in extra cash.. Praise God. :) made another new friend today too, so i guess that's good. if only i can make friends that easily in school as well, then that'll be awesome!

:) but in all things, give thanks! thank God that i can still go school at least, can study something that i have no prior knowledge, able to talk and to walk and to earn money. to have a family and a roof over my head, to have friends to hang out and talk to, a church where i'm comfortably settled and willing to run for, a God who is above all and has the best plans for me. :)

in all things, give thanks. thankfulness is like medicine that will cure the depression, physical sickness, warped mind and will attract people all around. :)

i'm in a midst of change, realised my current skill set is insufficient and is only good 2 years back.. time to improve once again and be on the cutting edge.

Not by might nor by strength but by my Spirit says the Lord. :)

Facing the giants.

2009-11-02T01:02:00.002+08:00

1 Samuel 17:48

"As Goliath moved closer to attack, David quickly ran out to meet him."

Its very interesting (to me at least), that David went to face Goliath. we all know how he defeated but David did not back down or wait for Goliath to come, he wasn't passive, he was pro active in tackling Goliath (aka giants in our lives) face on.

Get up on your feet!

New week, new challenges.

New level, new devil.

and re-Newed faith and hope.

Time to face the giants in my life.

2009-10-18T01:13:00.001+08:00

so many things again in 1 day.. oh well!

my dream is to be a pro soccer play. HAHA. :) if i get the opportunity, i'll def go for it! if la...

Friday the 16th.

2009-10-17T01:23:00.002+08:00

what a day. somemore from the morning i kinda sensed things would go wrong the whole of today? haha. perhaps it is the over optimism that maybe it won't? but life can deal you a cruel blow, one that is swift and deep.

work was just horrid to say the least.. up to now, i never really say what i actually felt, it was more of the telling of events chronologically as well as logically to sum it all up, but maybe the musings within were never unleashed, but just stored within. i'm only just a temp staff, trying my best to do everything right..why do i have to put up with all this "feels" in the office? you can do a million good things but everything evaporates with 1 bad sunshine (oxymoron). looking at the schedule next week too, it seems pretty obvious that trust is misplaced, or maybe i'm just abit sensitive.

but so what if i'm a temp staff? whatever i do, it is not for man (or the little pay, or for the people), it is for God. and when its for God, it should be done excellently. and i will carry on to do so.. until the day i'm no longer there. because this is being faithful in the small little things.

and i realised that a day is never truly over until the body goes to sleep.. because life is a box of treats! the treats that you take out from the box can either be good or bad (yet they are still treats..)

oh well. goodnight world!

12 Oct!

2009-10-12T20:48:00.002+08:00

its been quite awhile since i blogged i think. been wanting to blog for sometime already but really just too tired to do so or just alot of things on my mind to do so..

well, first things first! Thank you Jesus! :) the sermon on sat was a really a blast! and i know for sure it is def not my own effort but God really orchestrating every single thing that went on for the service. :) we can plant the seeds but "God gives the increase" and it is sooo true. We can do everything humanly possible but it is still up to God to "give the increase". and how He sent Roland to guide me along as well in the preparation in the afternoon before service. haha alot of nervous moments before service started.. even up to the point where i went up, i was still soooo nervous. but praise God, once i got up, it was really Him all the way.. :) and the video clip inspired by the Holy Spirit to be shared was just soooo amazing. i cried while watching the clip at home, it just so inspiring.. and someone told me she even cried during the clip also. haha. :) facing the giants rock. and it was soooo awesome to have so much support from people around actually. Michelle, James, Dawn, Joel, Gabs, Kenneth, Alex, Jayne, Chellie, Roland,Megan my cell! :) and whoever else that i missed out..and even more awesome that after that,to hear how people's lives are being impacted, they have renewed dreams. :)

but yay! :) being steadfast... having a vision, must pursue, being faithful and staying tenacious are some of the qualities we must apply in our lives. and being the preacher, i myself even more gotta apply it into my life.. :) hard leh! but can one la..

so today i woke up late for school..

HAHA. so much for being steadfast.. but thank God there was another same module lecture in the afternoon and i managed to go for that and catch up.. after that was Human Resource Management.. haha. that is quite a dry topic. but its nice to eat fruits in the lecture... and right in front of the lecturer as well. haha. that made my day slightly better...

So many couples sitting or walking around in SIM. a huge sighs sometimes. this feeling of.. wanting someone is like "dogs nibbling at my heels". and plus yesterday James showed me a love story clip.. a huger sigh! hahah. i hope i'll have an extraordinary love story with my wife next time to be shared. or well, it'll be nice to meet her right now! ok la not at home, but soon i hope.. someone i can really really share my life with, every single moment, every single part of it. :)

but till then, i have a responsibility to ensure that my cell will grow further into a zone, setting the right culture in place, teaching the word of God and grounding people in His love. although sometimes i really dislike the administrative decisions and coordination that i have to do nowadays, but its all for God, i'm not just going to do it but going to do it excellently.

2009-10-05T01:43:00.003+08:00

I don't want to worship from afar

Draw me closer to You

Its my only desire

I fall on my knees

Oh i'm yearning for You, O Lord

As deep calls to deep

Lord i know there must be more

Show me Your face O Lord

Make my heart pure as gold

Standing in awe of You

Your love it surrounds me forever

Show me Your face O Lord

I want to know You more

I want to be

Right here with You

All of my days..

old school song but yet so powerful.

thank you Lord for just touching me and refreshing me once more..

i don't want to live my life with more regrets than dreams fulfilled.

2009-10-03T13:37:00.002+08:00

woke up with such a dreadful feeling in my heart. and usually dreams / nightmares remain stuck in the early waking hours but for me, it has stuck throughout the whole day. argh.. the nightmare was one of my fears dreamized. hope i never have to dream of it again..

i know why i'm leaving like this, not so much as there's a cause but there's a prevention of me doing what is right. but yet it's taking a toll and i feel so 1 man show in this whole wide world. perhaps i'll have an answer soon? (and very soon)

God doesn't called the equipped, He equips the called.

2nd of October!

2009-10-02T23:42:00.003+08:00

its hilariously fast to the end of year no? or maybe its just me.. time is flying extremely fast. and faster than i ever thought..

the week's over already. at least monday to friday.. my first full week of working + studying at the same time. oh man, its really extremely tiring and draining.. wish i could do either one wholeheartedly instead of just concentrating on either one.

i think i've hit rock bottom in everywhere, although not obvious to anyone at all (sad but true) :) the thing that is keeping me on is God's love. and what i do, trying as hard as possible not out of obligation but out of a response and committment to His faithful, never ending love for me. thank you Lord for listening to me, guiding me and most importantly saving my pathetic life from the pits of hell.

thank you Lord for allowing me to be an impact in several people's lives.. and more often than that, its the unexpected people that come and thank me.. and that really helps me in believing that i'm actually doing a good work. i'm really trying to balance this post between what i feel and what i know i should feel / say / do.

to be a mere mortal surviving in this deranged, degrading world is tough enough, to be a christian that loves God and loves others is even harder. whats the balance between both then?

i wonder why i keep stuff bottled within. perhaps it is the vulnerability that is not met by assured security that i seek. or there's simply no one (yet) that i can share my whole heart totally, every single bit, thought, emotion.. im only human actually, not some dude in a cape.although at times i wish i had suit of iron or the ability to shoot web from my wrists (haha!) and struggle with the inner demons of whether to save the world then to take self pity and rub it all over myself. (gross image actually)

i saw something interesting today at a primary school.

to be happy for an hour: watch tv.

to be happy for the day: go to an amusement park (in our case, lan shops!)

to be happy for a life time: help others.

it is just such a huge simple truth. helping others.. lending a listening ear, being a rock for them, speaking wisdom into their lives, serving and love them in different ways. even when i hit the bottom,that still remains the principle in my life. helping others whenever and however possible.

who will help me? haha. no la not so emo until like that. :)

but yup, the principle still remains, that to be happy for a life time: is to help others around, be a friend at all times and steady in their lives.

somehow just gotta get through and it'll get better..

Monday!

2009-09-28T23:03:00.002+08:00

Ahhh. monday is over.. finally. 830am to 630pm in school is really not a joke at all..

830 class was super packed for no reason but it was interesting actually.. elements of social and applied psychology is a rather interesting module compared to sociology and no, unlike the general belief, this module does not teach you how to read people's minds. :) as to what it is, i'm still learning about it, think it'll be interesting for sure. just gotta write lots of essays..

after class had lunch with my friends and waited the afternoon away for the next class to begin. Human Resource Management. haha another interesting module.. the 1st half was about the exam format, notes, readings etc etc until i fell asleep. the best one was my head leaning on my hand which is balancing on the elbow on the table... and my elbow slips off. :) another embarrassing day at school for me! :) but after the break, it was quite interesting to see the difference between personnel management and human resource management. the perceptions of employers varies greatly..

i'm honestly beginning to like school a little more, because i'm able to put in effort and study and do well for it, like something that i can work towards to and something that i'm in control of.. and i guess i don't feel terrible about myself compared to last year. i think last year was just horrid.. loneliness and low self esteem and everything negative possible was swaming around me, but this year, it is improving.. just learning to be confident the way i am in the Lord.

although i still feel that deep hole inside. its interesting how God created us like this.. some days like this, it just comes so strongly and it hurts actually. but yet i'm unable to really say it out? haha. i'm not sure also. some prayers never seem to be answered.. or needs patience, LOTS of it. it is not even a question of Why God? it is more of a When God? question.. sigh. i sure hope soon.. or at least it gets thrown out of my mind soon enough.. :|

oh well. thought alot about my past, from childhood to now.. reflected alot, felt abit sad because i had a wishlist of Dos and Donts that can never be fulfilled because it is all in the past. but then its alright cause the future will be so much more exciting than before! haha. i sure hope so too at least..

alright time to hit the bed. 645am at NYP isn't that funny of a joke.. haha. goodnight world!

Sunday.... awaiting Monday.

2009-09-27T21:45:00.002+08:00

here i am once again!

been almost a week since i had my last entry..

Today is sunday and tml is monday (of course.)

and tml marks the start of my life proper for the next 6 to 8 months of balancing work and study and ministry as well, its gonna be a real tough challenge i guess? :) actually very tough. but can la.. just really need to discipline myself. pray and pray, study and study, work and work..

and on the way to dinner, i just had a "revelation" that i have ALOT to study. was trying to study Principles of Marketing on the way.. and its only like half a chapter and i already find abit hard to memorize. then i thought of how i gotta do Principles of Accounts, Human Resource Management, Elements of Social and Applied Psychology and re-module Econs as well as Stats..

AHHH! :)

And that's just school.

well, work is just work. :) it will always be known for its urine and stool. and its normal to say you have a shitty day! cause thats what we collect anyway.. haha. :)

and ministry! growing the cell group will not be easy.. need to disciple and then do follow up and then drag new ones back and then scold the old ones. :)

the only way i'm going to make it through... is to seek God first. human effort i think i will do well for awhile then die off because its only God's supernatural strength and joy that will get me through! He has and is always faithful and true, a tower of refuge. As He is, so are we..

and that's my call:

to be light of world and salt of the earth, to be all things to all man so that some might be saved..

Gotta press on! Even though i have emotions that are really haywired and swinging weirdly, even though i so very much want to get attached, even though i feel hard pressed on every side, His call is my purpose and i will press on..

Prawn-ed!

2009-09-22T00:51:00.003+08:00

Today i went prawning with the comm + 2nd liners and most importantly, we are all friends with each other. :)

it was megaly fun! even though it rained quite heavily in the afternoon and it was rather damp, but it was still fun nonetheless.. :) i initially didn't really want to prawn because it was expensive and it was the end of the month.. so.. but Gabs and Michelle was very kind to pay for me to prawn together with them. haha and the best part wasn't the act of using the rod to catch the prawns but rather, aiming to catch the prawns with bare hands! haha. did not succeed today but 1 day surely will do so. :)

ate lots for the bbq, (prawns la, what else? everyone catches but no one really eats it! :) )had lots of fun laughing at so many things, talking to different people around. seeing people eat raw prawns as well.. oh my. haha. raw fish i can take, but raw prawns for me is just.. different. haha. oh well, there was a prize for the top prawn catchers and it was Leon and Bert..haha. both the science students combining their powers to be the top prawn-ers while pwning the rest of us and they get 2 movie tickets! haha.

gonna head to sleep now.. full and tired and heading to Jurong Island the next day, oh Lord please give me strength.

Suffering produces Perseverance

Perseverance produces Character

Character produces Hope.

Stitch.

2009-09-19T02:06:00.003+08:00

its been more than a week since i last blogged and many things have happened since then actually..

but i'm just so tired to write them all down, the burdens and the thoughts are too heavy.

the ability to hit the highest peak and the lowest valley in a matter of hours is just.. mind twisting. but then again, that is how human emotions is like. either your emotions decide or your decisions decide your emotions, its a tough choice.

when a stitch (stomach cramp, not the alien) comes, stretching is needed.

that's something i realised as i was running the Mizuno wave run 2009, 16km. oh can you imagine this? reaching the water point and hoping to drink some H20 only to be told that there is no more cups! i wonder how they plan..

yes sometimes when i run, then i'll be inspired to write sermons (a bit hard ah no pen and paper plus unstable sweaty hands) and one of the sermons i thought of is Running the Race. and one of the points is what happens when stitch (again not the alien) comes. Stitches can be attributed to several causes, the well known ones being either too much intake of water or the lack of stretching. whatever the cause, its the reaction that counts when stitches hit. it can be so painful that you either choose to run slower then normal, stop completely and give in OR decide to run on and stretch along the way.

its easier to run slower.. it is easier to stop completely but it is not easy to decide to run on and stretch, the breathe out on alternate foots, swing the body in the opposite direction of the stitch. along this race, we will face stitches but a little stretching never hurts. cause stretching will take away the stretch and give us the momentum (another sermon point) to run on.

perhaps today the stitch might seem overwhelming and super duper painful.. but how about asking God for some stretching? :) it'll help overcome the stitch and plus make you an ever better person.

hang in there!

oh yes i enjoyed myself tremendously.. different group of people that i normally don't hang out with..but it was really fun. never knew that it could be that much fun.. relaxing, no tension, no stress, just being myself.

The Importance of Tithing!

2009-09-11T01:34:00.000+08:00

The Importance of Tithing

The first mention of tithing comes in numbers 18:21, it essentially was about God telling the Levites (who were the people taking care of the Tabernacle where God’s presence dwelled) that whether the people gave to them as a “thank you gift”, 1/10 of it should be returned back to God.

Tithing in general or in essence is the giving or returning of 10% of what God has blessed us with

What else does the Bible say about tithing?

Deuteronomy 14:22

Be sure to set aside a tenth of all that your fields produce each year

Malachi 3:8

Will a man rob God? Yet you rob Me “But you ask, ‘How do we rob you?’ “In tithes and offerings

Let’s emphasize just a little bit more on Malachi 3:8,

God is the God of all the universe, He owns the cattle on a thousand hill, He created every single thing that we see today in nature and yet He says it is possible for us to rob Him? Pretty interesting logic don’t you think so? When we are supposed to give a tenth of our income (allowances for most of us), we use the money for something else that we think it is important. When the Holy Spirit impresses upon our heart to give a certain amount, we think its just something weird thought or even the devil telling us to give! The devil actually tells you to give nothing to God!

But because God is so full of grace and mercy; Grace is the getting the gifts that we do not deserve and Mercy is not getting the judgement / punishment that we deserve. He still gives us abundant blessing, ensures that we are taken care of with shelter and food over our head, gives you and me confidence to walk with our heads high because He is watching over us and will never leave us no matter what. That’s our God!

And more than that, our God speaks to us clearly later after Malachi 3:8 what will happen if we do start to tithe and obey His commands! Remember what we learnt last week in Deut 28? It talks about the blessing of God when we begin to obey His commandments!

Malachi 3: 10 - 12

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, “ says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit, “ says the Lord Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be delightful land, “ says the Lord Almighty.

There are 4 effects of tithing (and thus, the important of tithing)

1.) Throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it

2.) I will prevent the pests from devouring your crops

3.) The vines in your fields will not cast their fruit

4.) Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be delightful land

Throw open the floodgates and be overwhelmed!

What is a floodgate? It is something used to restrict or to restrain an outburst! You see, God has always been blessing us, everything we have is a blessing from God. God of course does not want to “restrict” the blessings on our lives but we must learn that the promise of God always comes with a condition. In Deut 28, His abundant blessings on our lives will come when we obey Him. In Joshua 1, God tells Joshua he will be prosperous and successful only if he obeys God’s commands and meditate on His word. The promise of eternal life is in John 3:16 but it comes with a condition, to believe in Him. And the same thing with us, we want financial breakthrough and freedom then we must learn to understand the condition that comes with the promise.

And when we begin to fulfil the condition of tithing, the promise of the floodgates of heaven opening on us will begin to take place. Not just normal blessings, but abundant blessings and it will overflow and overflow and overflow so much that we will not have enough room for it! It is similar to taking a 1.5 litre of water and pouring it into a shot glass, get the idea? And that’s what God wants to do in our lives! Share with you guys something personal, i didn’t use to tithe consistently, only when i could “afford” it actually, but since the start of this year, i promised God to really give Him 10% of my allowance / income no matter what, even if i had to forsake some stuff and God has been faithful! He has blessed me above and beyond all that i could ask or imagine! J wanna find out more? Then stayed tuned for the session on Faith Tithing on two weeks! Be prepared to be blown away by God’s goodness. It IS possible to be overwhelmed by the blessings of God, to have not just enough but more than enough and overflowing!

I will prevent the pests from devouring your crops

Haha this is an interesting promise especially considering that none of us are farmers here! J but back in those days, they did not have jobs like marketing manager, sales persons etc, and the only source of survival or income is growing their own crops. And how many of us know that growing crops is not easy? (even though we are not farmers HAHA) and how many of us know that pests like crops? (again HAHA) Crops represented the source of income in those times and when we take it in our context today, it is essentially God saying that He will NOT let anyone or anything destroy our income when we decide to tithe 10% to God. Pests like sickness, depression, like recession will not affect our income, let’s be honest with one another, the global did not really affect Singapore as much as the other countries because God is protecting us, and in our recession we managed to clear our building loan of 1.6 million SGD!

He is able to ensure that nothing will touch your income and when you lose your source of income, you can be assured it is temporary and something much better will come your way. He will prevent the pests from devouring our crops!

The vines in your field will not cast their fruit

I was looking through dictionary.com and through the millions of definition of the word ‘cast’, one of the most intriguing one that i found is ‘to give birth prematurely’; e.g. the cow cast a calf. It means premature birth.

What is a fruit that is born prematurely? Unripe fruit! Does it taste nice? Nope! Ever eaten an unripe banana? It is quite bitter or tasteless and hard. But ripe fruit or in this case we use ripe bananas, it tastes like it should taste and should be soft too.

The uses of Grape Vines was quite interesting actually, not only just for wine but also for healing purposes. The sap is used to cure skin and eye diseases, leaves were being used to stop bleeding and pain, ripe grapes were used for the treatment of cancer, cholera, skin and eye irritations, kidney and liver diseases as well.

Growing of grapes or vines that grows grapes will take about 6 months? In the northern hemisphere it is from march to about September or October and in the southern hemisphere it is from September to either march or April.

What good is a fruit that is unripe? There are things for in our lives that we are praying for in our lives to come to past but it needs to come in the right time! The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing (of course some of us can’t wait.. ) God will bring the right thing to pass at the right time for us amen?

All the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be delightful land

When the blessings in your life overflow, when your income is stable or increases tremendously, when the issues or things in your life that you are praying for comes to pass in your life, people are going to take notice and see! And therefore all around will call you blessed because you are filled with the joy of the Lord, you are filled with the abundant blessings of the Lord.

When you are the light, it cannot be hidden. Because God has not created our light to be hidden nor our light to be the “quiet” type. Light is no matter what, still bright and piercing in the darkness.

Tithing as we can see is MORE than just giving 10% of our income, to be honest, God does not need our money because He is the one who gave it to us and He owns the cattle on a thousand hills! It is more for our benefit that God says we must tithe!

TGIW

2009-09-10T02:24:00.003+08:00

thank God its wednesday. :)

Woke up today to choose my time table for this coming semester..

and also told my mum about my results =S

sighs. oh well.. i think my timetable is not too bad:

Mon 830 to 1130 Elements of Social and Applied Pyschology

1530 to 1830 Human Resource Management

Wed 1200 to 1500 Statistics 1

Thurs 830 to 1130 Principles of Marketing

1200 to 1500 Principles of Accounts

Its gonna be quite a tough year ahead! but really gotta be disciplined and study hard to get my 1st class honours. Was looking through the 2009 batch of 1st Class Honours students' results.. most of them did quite badly in the 1st year but then really worked hard in the 2nd and 3rd year to pull their grades up. So it offers a glimmer of hope to me, just gota keep trying and really putting in the effort to study and revise. Not to mention i'll be working on the free mornings as well, and plus ministry, its going to be an interesting year of balance. But i'm convinced that God is able to do exceedingly above and beyond all that i can think or ask for.

i think i should sleep soon. tml is gonna be some sort of a long day.. need to wake up early to swim, meet JJ and CC for lunch, cut hair, head down to church for MLM.

and try to install a dual boot (Mac OS X) on my lappy for fun. :)

oh yes, i'll blog about tithing tml! :) goodnight..

Tuesday! 08/09/09

2009-09-09T00:35:00.003+08:00

saw these hornbills feasting on ripe papayas at ubin! :) too bad i was using an N82, if DSLR then can take a clearer and nicer shot. :)

haha. spent the whole day with uni friends actually.. met them at about 1130 to go ubin where we just cycled around the whole island. the mountain bike trail, the upslopes and downslopes, the offroads from time to time as well.. ahah this is my 3rd time to ubin this year already and plus going one more time in nov, think i should become like a PR over there. :D

haha. we ended at about 245 with nice, cold, sweet coconuts! it was lovely to drink such cooling stuff under such a killer weather. (found out later i got a t shirt tan -.-) we sat down and talked and decided to meet another friend of ours at marina square swensens for tea? or rahter, super late lunch at 430pm .. haha. after that we went to pennisular plaza to get new clothes. 2 plain tees and 2 berms for me! only at $49.. thank God.

my pay also came in today actually, about THREE days late. had several of the Daysprings temp staff complain to me why it was coming in so late.. i really hope that the same thing (late pay) will not happen the next month. small things like this explains the small unhappiness that several of them have.. but yup!

Ephesians 3:20

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us"

i personally experience last month and this month in terms of the pay! :) God always challenges me to give a certain amount.. and of course its like 10% of the pay.. but based on calculations i wouldn't be able to get that amount in order to give that 10% that God impress upon my heart. but God has not only done 1 time but 2 times already! really beyond human imgination or calculation, He blesses me! and its really immeasurably more than i ask or imagine!

its called Faith Tithing! :) Tithing in faith for the next pay. i love that concept because it requires so much faith and God really loves faith and God answers prayer.

Thank you Jesus. You're truely amazing.. im so blown away by Your kindness and Your grace towards me..

if you read this blog entry and you're inspired, then do something about it! :) bless you readers.

skin change!

2009-09-08T00:32:00.002+08:00

haha hello.

did a simple skin change today.. there are still some minor tweaks to be done but abit lazy, maybe i'll do it tml? see how..haha.

been about a week since i last blogged. guess what? the green beans are dead. :( either too much water, too little sunlight or it just cannot survive for long.. haha. but thats fine. it was fun growing them while it lasted..

well! yesterday had a great time of soccer from 7 to about 10? :) long time no work out like that. used the new boots too, its awesome actually. i really like it.. white and nice. but i think i overstrained my knee when i took a shot. it was swollen last night.. thank God its much better now. wanted to swim or run today but decided not to do so. tml got a whole day of cycling to do..

well. since friday it has been a huge struggle for me(if you follow my twitter post you'll see it) even up till last night. im not saying that i'm fine today but its still a struggle.. sometimes i really wish i dint have to go through it this many times.. whats the outcome? i'm not sure either.. do i ask? i'm afraid and therefore i'm resigned to it.

i realised anyway, CHC-KL has alot of awesome podcasts! haha. new stuff to listen to and get inspired and fed.. was listening to CHC SG Ps Kong's David and Goliath also, very inspiring. although i'll prob listen to it again to write notes. i usually listen once through without any notes, then the 2nd time through i'll write the sermon notes. so how many sermons can 1 take in a day? :) haha. its like eating and eating and snacking and snacking the whole day.. i think as long there's exercise (in this case application), the number of sermons listened to is not an issue..

haha weirdest thing today: A told B that he/she knows who i like. and B came to ask me who do i like. the huge question is not who i like? but rather, do i even like anyone in the first place? haha i wanna see how this unwraps and find out more also.. people know my feelings before even i do? :)

oh well. ubin beckons! zzz.

One of those days

2009-09-01T23:55:00.002+08:00

At 7am my fears were realised. in numbers they were..

its interesting how these numbers determine your life for the next one year, whether you live in fear, or happiness or sadness. the time that is needed to change those numbers around. the price to pay for those numbers is quite heavy and i am so not looking forward to releasing those numbers to numbers conscious people.. haha.

This plus everything else that i've been feeling / experiencing. Guess it doesn't really rain but pours.. haha. one thing will be settled at a time, really have got to trust God on everything.

In everything give thanks!

All things work for the good of those who love Him!

Our God is faithful and just and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear!

Verses that i have got to keep in my heart even as i enter this dark period of time..

Also! today went to Starbucks @ Central to do cell sermon and cell report. i quite enjoyed the alone time, just typing out stuff, chatting online and observing people around. think i'll do it more for sure! and also sit by the river and do self reflections..

and sadly, my beans are dying. :(

oh well, goodnight world.

Growing beans! Day 5 and 6

2009-08-30T23:15:00.003+08:00

Pictures from the past 2 days! :) hehe. it looks to be growing strong and steady.. or so i think la. i'll prob transfer it into a pot with a stick in the centre within the next few days. i wonder how long this will last though.. do they grow into green bean trees? haha. :)

WELL! my friend got saved today! :)))) praise God! its really quite amazing how God works.. i must admit i did not like pray or fast intensely for my friend.. but i just said a simple prayer on the train to meeting him.. but our God is able to do exceedingly above beyond all that we ask or think of! and this is certainly one of the testimonies! :)

honestly i cant describe accurately the feeling i have within me when my friend got saved. its like all the "saving friends" stories becomes so personalised, so real suddenly. that it is not someone else that is saving their friends but me actually have a chance to do that today! and also as a christian, thats what we should be doing! being the light of the world and salt of the earth. whether it be through the preaching of the word or through a lifestyle evangelism, the main thing is people getting saved.. :)

so yup, gotta follow up with him closely! especially since he is going into army the end of next month.. i am just so thank ful to God for the salvation of my friend.. its really amazing how God works at the right time to encourage and to pull up! i just pray really hard that i do not mess this one up..

well, i think i officially dislike saturday late nights.. i don't feel very good going to sleep then. so many thoughts / emotions. im quite in a state of being confused about it.. and perhaps i do not know what it means to really love with all i have. maybe i'll never get attached then. i don't match up.

oh well! working 2 days this week.. taking the rest of the week to prepare for cell's financial week. :) and also catching up on the swimming, rnning and static exercises. and of course the dreaded results are coming out on tues/wed.. i know the results "unofficially" already.. but still, i want to confirm it. just need to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for consequences of my results.

Dear Lord, please shed some droplets of light upon this tunnel of darkness.. which You already have.. so thank you Lord for that and in faith that things will start to pick up.

Goodnight to allllll!

Growing beans! Day 4

2009-08-29T01:30:00.003+08:00

And this the end of day 4 of growing the beans! :) wow its growing pretty quickly huh? haha im actually amazed at the rate it grows. think should place some sticks in the centre for it to have support. and also quite surprised that there are no ants attack on it.. praise God! :)

also started writing a love letter for my future wife! (not that i have a girlfriend now!) but yea, i think that sometimes i want to wait until i see her then say all the things.. perhaps i should write it down now so that i can give it to her to read it..haha. randomness i know.

also applied for a student citibank credit card.. not that i want to purchase on impluse but cause of the discounts that it brings, like 10% off several food bills. :) hehe.

oh well! time to sleep.. its been a long day actually.. haha and a thoughtful one i suppose. goodnight to all. :)

Growing beans! Day 3

2009-08-27T13:13:00.005+08:00

yay! its growing! :) and actually pretty fast too.. comparing the previous pictures and this one, the beans actually shoot up quite fast. and its colour is also abit different? :) the stalk isn't totally green.. it has some redish,purplish colour on it as well.. i wonder why!

i guess this is one of the only things i can do for now! haha. and i consider myself good at this (not that this is hard at all..) haha.

another picture!

Growing beans! Day 2

2009-08-26T13:13:00.003+08:00

Day 2 of growing beans! :) its interesting how much they have grown over just 2 days.. of course this is just tissue paper, not suitable for long term growth. will transfer them into a pot soon! :)

haha all these random posts but quite fun la.. am on twitter as well, its quite cool actually. to see what people actually post up there, i dare say it is more accurate than most people's facebook's status.. ;)

and yes! a friend is coming to church on sunday! :) praise God!

Growing beans! Day 1

2009-08-25T13:25:00.003+08:00

Day 1! :)

haha decided to grow the beans that Vanessa gave us for Powerhouse meeting on saturday.. its in a nice pretty little cup we had for valentine's day last year.. when the beans grow more, will transfer them to a small pot! :)

Its been a long time!

2009-08-24T17:18:00.002+08:00

hello everyone! :) its been a lonnggggg time since i've updated my blog.haha i'm just sitting down at my dining table with my mum and bro. mum's cutting veg and bro's watching anime. :) family time eh? :) and oh! i'm on twitter as well! :) twitter.com/alvinkubi if u're interested! haha. laters!

and oh, a nice picture from the trip @ ubin above. :)

2009-06-26T23:51:00.001+08:00

This is not a spam!! :) its true!

TGIF.

2009-06-05T17:30:00.003+08:00

Hello to all who reads (i really really doubt anyone reads..but thats fine!)

haha, its been a lazy friday. actually its been a lazy week.. i wonder why but i know why but yet i still wonder why. hahhaa.

i wonder how tonight is going to be like..

i wonder how tml is going to be like..

i wonder how church camp is going to be like..

and i wonder how after camp is going to be like..

no answers, no answers..

all wonderings..

perhaps, an answer will never be given ahead in time? haha. perhaps perhaps..

TGIF.. :)

SUNDOWN 2009!

2009-06-04T17:22:00.005+08:00

YESS!

its over..

haha honestly i never prepared much for it.. not the usual amount of effort that i've put in for the last 3 marathons.. firstly, exams was in the way, more time was spent stressing out / thinking than running around in the middle of the night with a focus. secondly, i failed to keep to my training schedule!! :( all the alternate day runs, long runs on sunday morning were conveniently overlooked by the lack of sleep the previous night. my mental preparation wasn't there also, in terms of visualising how i would run, which water point i would stop and grab something to drink etc. and my carbo loading started way too late. usually i'll start carbo loading at least 5 days before, but this time round, i only started like 2 days before the race!

bad.. so bad. and ya lah, at the end of the marathons i've ran so far, the sinking feeling always comes at the end. i mean, sure of course im happy that i completed the race, endured the 42.195km etc.. but its the same feeling. haha but that won't go away soon and that won't deter my passion for the run.

my number tag

haha took at picture of this after i ran.. i actually do keep all my number tags for every single race that i've taken part in, starting with the Standard Chartered Marathon 2007, i know to a few people its just numbers, but to me, its really alot of what i thought i couldn't do before and now able to do.. and usually i write my timings on each Tag to remind myself of how far i've come..

well, this Sundown wasn't easy at all. It is always hard to run when the past fears/memories constantly come to haunt you from behind. Last year, i remember being better prepared for this and trained almost every night, clocking as much as possible but in the end giving in to the thoughts of hopelessness and fatigue, i mean what more this year right? with the challenge of being not as well prepared. and oh yes, my mp3 player died halfway last year too. -_-"

This year ah. i left Senette after FX's surprise birthday party.. wanted to take a train to pasir ris and then take a shuttle bus there. but i realised that since many runners were going from tanah merah, just might as well follow them.. Lesson learnt, always always always go there at least 1/2 hour earlier, i know nothing much to do but it was better than getting caught in the jam and having NO time to warm up at all.. i got off the bus only at 2350 (1150pm) and quickly made my way to the race area, dumped my bag and did very veyr little warm ups.. and the race kicked off at 2359.. haha talk about worse possible start huh?

but there i went off, running and making good use of Roland's Heart Rate Monitor and watch, it's really really good. i now understand why people use HRM to pace themselves. after running for about 5 km, i realised that for me to run at 7 mins / km, i have to maintain my HR at 165 beats / min. something new that i learnt that day. :)

ooh at the 10km mark, STITCHES came in. T_T was really like that man. so bad that i had to bend over to breathe and slowly get up to maintain my posture.. at this point, i thought "that's it la, give up, walk all the way, drink alot of water / 100 plus and see the sunrise".. but ya, its really a mental battle to stay focused. Having quickly brushed off those thoughts, i sought to walk as fast as i could, trying all the techniques i know to stop the stitches from getting worse. at this point in time, my HR was dropping to about 130 BPM (beats per minute) and meant that i was slowing down.

then at the 15km mark, it wasn't that bad and i begin to start running again.. from 130 BPM slowly to 145 BPM, then to 157 BPM and then again to 165 BPM.. thank God. :) at the 21km mark, i smelt lots and lots of chicken wings -drools- and came to my mind that i did NOT eat the whole day at all! other than the few silces of bread, nothing else! haha. so stupid right? well what to do.. i was so hungry that i promised myself to eat 2 packets of instant noodles when i got back to senette. :)

so i ran and ran, stopping at the water points to get 3 cups of water, resting for about 2 minutes then taking off again.. i was listening to my MP3 player on and off, to save battery and to prevent any numbness ot the effectiveness of music. :) at the starting part, i listened to music but after the bedok reservior part, about 25 km, i started listening to sermons by CSCC. and there was this particular sermon that really impacted me, it was by Ps Glyn Barnett, Audacious City Church and his sermon was "Yes and Amen", do check it out if you have time ya?

Ps Glyn was talking about the promises of God in our lives. and man, i listened to it, and identified with it so much till i almost cried while running, cause every thing that he spoke was really so touching and life changing. at one point in time, i even lifted my hands cause i couldn't just do nothing about hearing what he said.. after his sermon was one by Ps Yang (oh!) and that was a scary one.. haha.

at the 31km mark, there was bananas! :) grabbed 2, ate 1 and held one in my hand all the way till the 36km mark.. where i consumed it quickly and proceeded to get muscle rub! haha. its amazing la, how they only provide muscle rub only at the 36km point onwards where everyone could really do with it at the 21km point onwards.. sometimes i really wonder.. haha. but yea, just kept going on and on. i had intended to achieve sub 5 timing but once the stitch came in, it was close to impossible to do so.. so i gave myself a new target of beating last year's timing of 5hrs 55 minutes.

so ya, kept on running and running and running. the last 4 km, my legs were crying out to stop but i just had to keep going, otherwise i'll never run properly after the aches take over. and interestingly, for the last 4km, my heart rate was ranging from 170 to 175 BPM. but yet i was so tired.. interesting huh? ok la to me at least..

and at 5hrs 26 minutes, i completed Sundown 2009! haha. not a great achievement la, but at least complete i guess. :) and it'll be 1 year before i can get out of that shadow of the poor timing. sighs.. haha. oh well! that's all for Sundown 2009!

Monday..

2009-06-02T00:27:00.001+08:00

haha. woke up with a nightmare today.. oh man. so weird and so badd.. hmmm.

oh well.

thank God Sundown is over.. what a race. mental and physical.. haha. i'll blog more about it tml..

gonna sleep soon, work tml! haha. heard pay is peanuts but its better than staying home and rotting away.. and please Lord, let the tuition jobs come in soon! :)

later!

tml at this time.:)

2009-05-30T05:15:00.003+08:00

haha. tml at this time i hope to have finished my Sundown Marathon 2009.. prayerfully no breakdowns like last year in the Name of Jesus! :)

well, its been a pretty interesting week.. intense and busy and alot of other things.. but God is still good no matter what. through the thick and thin, continue to praise His name because the praise brings the breakthrough.. somehow oh Lord, somehow, You'll come through, surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us..

:)

2009-05-25T02:54:00.002+08:00

hello,

its me once again.. finally the stress week is over.. (hope the pimple on my face can finally be reduced!) haha..well, thank God for everything actually, somehow He makes all things work and all things beautiful in His time.. i really cant express how thankful i'm to God for what He's done.. it might seem abit premature, but giving thanks in advance and beliving brings breakthrough and builds up faith. thank you Jesus. :)

thank God for 21st!

2009-05-21T18:30:00.002+08:00

well, its finally, officially, and painfully over.. the exams that is. mugging is not laughing matter (especially when you've got a freaking hard econs paper which can kill you till next year and beyond).. but yes its over. interestingly, im half half.. half happy and well half dreading it also.. cause i know after this, there's so many more things that i gotta do.. sometimes study is a form of escape from the real world and into the world of numbers, theories and thinking of how to smoke the way through the paper..haha.

quite interesting though, i was reading letters from one of my departed friends already (its not that im that old, just have a friend who has hopefully gone on with the Lord) and one of his letters read "dear Alvin, how are you? i'm praying for your exams.." and that immediately like caused my heart to skipped a beat.. not because its scary but because someone cares and that someone's care went beyond time and space into the present.. from beyond and up above. i'll remember you always my friend for encouraging me as well in those letters.. thank you so much.

well, more things to come i guess.. have to take a day at a time.. :) and i need to earn some money already.. oooohhh.

Tuesday

2009-05-19T11:17:00.004+08:00

ah its tuesday, 2 more days away from the last paper (which im just 1/3 prepared for), its quite scary man, so much theories to try and remember and alot of essays to write.. i really hope this paper won't be like the last econs paper, haha like my friend said yesterday, even when the exams are over, the feeling of not being able to do well / pass for a paper will keep lingering on till the results are out (in sept btw)..

hilarious thing happened yesterday though.. studying at the airport is quite nice actually, starbucks, macs etc.. peace and quiet (ok la not so quiet) but still peaceful compared to other places and somehow the airport has this calming effect to study..hahah.

then some people came to sit down beside us. and they were talking about a certain worker that was giving them problems.

the supervisor was talking so loud that i could hear:

1.) the name of the worker

2.) his name

3.) his supervisor's name

4.) the worker drove illegally

5.) the worker stole a multimeter (and oh! they replace their multimeters every year apparently! so last year was a analog multimeter and this year they changed to a digital multimeter!)

6.) he punched someone (site supervisor)

7.) he didn't attend to an incident on a worksite, said that he was helping another team at another point but he was only with them for 15 to 20 mins

8.) he raised his voice at his supervisor

and so much more.. then after that was actions to be taken, looking from a humanistic point of view and looking from a company's point of view also..

it was soooooo hard to concentrate, here i am trying to study about knowledge management and e-business but its quite hard to resist hearing their stories (while drinking sprite and eating fries also).. and plus we were studying business management too, so we were discussing which theories we could apply in their situation and which level of the hierachy they were on and what they should do! hahhahaa.

that's the only highlight of yesterday.. oh well, back to study! (or thinking..sighs)

Every night, the same dream (or nightmare in this case).. i really wonder why i have to keep dreaming of this..

Econs..

2009-05-15T21:35:00.002+08:00

Manfred Ting!(he's my econs lecturer) yr tips really don't work.. haha. Paradox of thrift and income-in-kind did not come out at all!

but nah, if it did, it'll prob make the paper already harder than it will be!

all i ask is for a miracle to pass now, cant bear the thought of having to take 5 modules next semester, to pay extra cash for this once again, i really studied but still like that. but like someone said to me after the paper,

"God works all things for the good of those who love Him"

its interesting the way God answer prayers nowadays, like yesterday too, quite amazed and also quite worried.. hahaha.

ah well, can't really afford to think about it too much, there's still one more to go and then afterwards, something known as "freedom" comes back into my life once again.. :|

suddenly after exams seem packed with stuff (not too sure what it is exactly also but yes, it seems very packed).. suddenly things that i was looking forward to, not really anymore..

but sundown is coming soon, at least still 1 thing to look forward to.. :)

although i still have to deal that sinking feeling at the finishing line. hmmmm.

and after studying sociology, i realise that im a mix of being a positivist as well as an interpretivist!

random thoughts of today.. indeed.

wednesday..

2009-05-14T00:31:00.002+08:00

mid week!

TGIW? i guess..

never knew so many people visit the pool during lunch time.. :P

not too productive a day of studying, then again, which day is? focus isn't there, discipline is weak.. but no choice la, somehow gotta get through right? :|

blehhhh

Reversi

2009-05-13T00:05:00.002+08:00

Reversi.. interesting game that i have on my google desktop right now along with other new gadgets..

haha its interesting how one can spend several minutes trying to reverse the colour of the seeds and when it is completed, to hit reset and to redo everything all over again..

sadly, in life some "seeds" can be reversed, but most cant.. i wonder how it will be like to "reversi" some seeds..

thinking deeply is one of the things i do the most, but it might be working against me right now..

2 more papers to go! hopefully the maths can pull up the stats tremendously.. quite frustrating to discover a careless mistake with less than 10 minutes to go and not be able to correct it in time..

que sara sara..

2009-05-12T00:10:00.001+08:00

cant find the light switch in the dark room... oh well,

interesting time to be blogging again.. gonna sleep soon..

goodnight world..

2009-05-10T22:52:00.002+08:00

oh yes!

the commentator actually called Tevez "stupid!" hahahahahahaha.

how can anyone head the post instead of the ball? :|

dusty.

2009-05-10T22:47:00.001+08:00

this blog is pretty dusty huh? im supposed to be studying right now.. but apparently not from this short post..

good game.

what a day.

2009-01-12T17:19:00.000+08:00

'Nuff said.

EXAMS!

2009-01-07T01:08:00.002+08:00

haha. found out my when my exams are already. :)

7 May - Thurs - 230pm to 530pm Principles of Sociology

8 May - Fri - 10am to 12 pm Statistics 1

12 May - Tues - 10am to 12 pm Maths 1

15 May - Fri - 230pm to 530pm Introduction to Economics

21 May - Thurs- 10am to 1 pm Introduction to Business Management

all over within 2 short, but VERY tough weeks. haha, nvm first class i must get and aim for! :)

Oooo..

2008-12-09T00:32:00.002+08:00

Ouchie

haha. thats what im feeling now physically, back ache, abs ache, biceps ache, thighs ache, ankles ache, heart ache..haha. all thanks to Stand Chart 2008. but i love the aches though, it has a weird satisfying effect on me.

i guess i haven been blogging in awhile, and this blog's almost 1 years old! haha. not sure if there are anymore readers, but its alright. :)

Stand Chart 08 was great for me! i did my personal best so far of 5 hrs and 6 mins. haha.. its really really surprising considering that the conditions werent so ideal for me. leading up to the race i had alot of mental, emotional and physical stress.. spiritually too also. everything around me was a blur and just terrible in short. even up to the day before, i wasnt feeling in the best shape / mood to run the race at all, but to make my money's worth(marathons arent cheap you know), i just had to press on somehow (something i've learnt over the years..). and also because of Gab, he's then one who introduced me to Stand Chart last year. haha hooked on marathons even since.. :P

we stayed over at senett and in the morning about 5am(grasp!), Sam picked us up and his dad gave us a lift to nearby the starting point. the interesting thing was that we walked to the starting point without putting our baggage at the counter.. haha and while we were depositing our stuff.. the commentator was going "the full marathon has started! please make your way to the starting point or run there right now!". it was funny to me and thats 530 am.

we made our way there and without even properly doing warm ups, off we went.. :P Sam's a great person to start the marathon with, he jokes, laughs and really lightens you up in so many ways.. :) so we were therel; Gab and his fren, Sam and me.. jogging at a pace of 8 mins/km..hhaaa. i really realise now that its not how fast you run for a distance, but its how consistent you run throughout the whole thing.

at the toilet point, Sam told us to go off first while he did his stuff.. so it was Gab, his friend and me till about the 7km mark? we took water and were just walking along.. at the 8km mark, i "abandoned" Gab n his friend and went ahead first.. so i begin to pick up speed.. from 8mins/km i was going at 7mins/km consistently for the next 20km, only stopping to drink water and apply muscle rub whenever possible.

all i had in my mind was the horrible experience at Sundown. where i broke mentally at the 27km mark.. i just gave up and walked aimlessly then. (partly also my mp3 died).. ive learnt to listen at strategic points, i listened only from the 8km to 20km and then from the 32km to the end point..

but other than that, i just need God to prove to me something. that He was really all that i needed to run this marathon, or rather in perspective, this race of life. To me, if the 27km was my breaking point previously, then God had to show me that He can help me to over come that limit point as well as go one step further. and boy, am i glad He did. in amazing fashion.

and oh, smiling while u run, that really works, no kidding. it actually helps to make your body less tense and helps you to run much better. :)

and smiling was what i did as much as i could.. and also "debating" with God throughout the whole marathon. and interestingly, people tend to slow down and to just "give up" towards the end of the marathon, but i found myself going faster and faster.. i was even holding a banana for 3km at one point because i could go on and on.. i eventually hit 6 mins 30 secs /km for the last 10km. last year, i was just walking. this year, im running on and on, because of Him, He showed me that He can give me the strength and really, ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens us.

at the 30+km mark, i was even thinking that i could go below 5 hours.. but that didnt happen..next time! but even then, that was a learning lesson.. the last 2 km when i knew i couldn hit sub 5, my mind begin to give up, wanting to just throw in the towel since i couldn hit it anyway.

but i couldn.

God bought me so far, He proved alot to me and i cant just let Him down..

and thats when i felt He spoke to me, sometimes its not about the "target" or the "objective", its about the determination, the 100%-give-your-all attitude. if we know something isn gonna work out, then do we just give up or do we just go ahead and give it MAX and see what comes out?

at last 500m, i stopped again, i really just wanted to give up and say it cant be done.. but again God reminded me and i picked up and ran faster than i could before,

"its not how well you start, its how excellently you finish"

at that point my timing was 5:04 already i think, but heck la, its about the determination and excellence.

and i did cross the finishing line, smiling and throwing my fist in the air. :)

He did it, i did it with His help. :)

i never thought hitting this timing was possible, but He made it possible. i never thought i could complete this marathon in a sane state, but He allowed me to do so.

He deserves the best and ALL the glory for what i've achieved.

Stand Chart 08 is dedicated to Jesus.

i love this song.

2008-11-28T14:23:00.001+08:00

this song from the new chc album.. not that its a new song. but its soo.. nice.

SANCTUARY
CITY HARVEST CHURCH Key: C(in the CD, its in A)
Worship

WHEN MY WORLD WAS IN DARKNESS
YOU SPOKE YOUR WORD
NIGHT TURNED INTO DAY
YOUR BEAUTY FILLED THIS PLACE

WHEN MY WORLD STOOD IN SILENCE
YOU FILLED MY HEART
WITH SONGS THAT NEVER END
FOREVER I WILL PRAISE

TO THINK THAT THE UNIVERSE
COULD NOT WITHHOLD YOUR GLORY
YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE IN ME
I'M SO AMAZED

(AND) I WORSHIP YOU LORD
MY LIFE IN YOU RESTORED
HERE IS MY HEART
MAKE IT YOUR SANCTUARY
FOR NOBODY ELSE
BUT JESUS ONLY (YOU)

YOU ARE FAITHFUL AND TRUE
GLORIOUS LORD
ALL MY LIFE
IT IS YOU I ADORE
YOU'VE TOUCHED MY SOUL
COMPLETED MY WORLD I SURRENDER TO YOU

lazy saturday

2008-11-22T13:02:00.000+08:00

im just sitting in front of the tv.

hahaha. one of the rare times that i can actually watch "friends" on tv on a saturday afternoon without rushing to and fro somewhere..haha.

i do have to go church and print poster before heading down to the Fresh Fire Conference..which i heard is super duper packed.sounds good to me either way.. just hope i dont have to queue up as long as the Asia Conference yesterday.haha.

its been an interesting week i suppose.. haha. it'll get more interesting i guess? not too sure.

Psalms 42:11

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for i shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

what is hope?

desire or expect something to happen? haha im still trying to find the actually meaning of it in biblical context.

hah oh well, looking ahead, there are more things to come i suppose. for now, just clearing up one bit of my life at a time. :)

back to friends! hurhur.

Amazing Grace..

2008-10-21T22:47:00.001+08:00

this is cool. =)

Monday!

2008-10-20T18:45:00.003+08:00

this photo was taken about 5 years back at pulau ubin. =)

above the dark clouds, God's love still shines..

haha yay. its monday again..

haven blogged in a long long time. actually alot to share but yet abit lazy. just sun burnt, butt's aching (from retrieving the winning flag) and sleepy.

class today was bad. i kept falling asleep.. its weird cause i slept sufficiently. haha oh well.

new week, new beginnings! or is it? haha. can la. everyday can be a new day as long as we choose to do new things..

and u know where, there's only 10 more weeks left to the end of the year!!

time really teleported past!

haha. time for self reflection, planning ahead for 2009.

oh yes,

anyone wants to join me for the hillsongs conference Jul 09? =)

..

2008-10-05T23:23:00.003+08:00

when all the stuff comes in,

when all the thoughts enter,

when pain comes like never before,

when its been longer than it should,

whats your choice?

the Lord gives, the Lord takes.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

If Everyone cared..

2008-09-24T01:09:00.002+08:00

Just thought of posting up this video.. =)

looking out my window..

2008-09-16T10:26:00.001+08:00

A good day to all!

decided to change my blog skin abit and upload a video bar before i head off to school..

enjoy the video! =)

haha randomness! =)

2008-09-10T00:26:00.003+08:00

haha this is my desktop picture. =)

just about all the things that ive been through, photos of people around in my life.. theres still alot more to come!

haha just thought of updating for all to see.

blogs are a good way of communication. =)

if someone is blessed, then this blog has fulfilled its purpose. =)

have a great day ahead!!

=)

2008-09-02T22:34:00.002+08:00

its been awhile since i posted anything.

well, here's something.

-something-

haha yes that was for fun. life's been pretty interesting these few months (actually, the month of august seem like a year...)

ORD.

SIM.

NYP.

haha all 3 letters. not that im studying a degree and diploma at the same time, i aint that great. but im pursuing the degree course in SIM and working part time in NYP.

haha only Jesus can keep me through this time of slogging it out. and so many other things that are just crashing down. but its only when we hit the bottom of the pit that we realise how high we have fallen from... or. how high further we can go.. when we're on the same level, we can see the same things. but when we look up while sitting on our bums, we realise how much higher we can be.

this blog entry is rather quite random actually. there is no direction or flow, maybe just ramblings? but even then, ramblings has to be positive somehow.

why?

was reading proverbs 12:25

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.

well, sometimes people around just need a nice word. and it doesn always have to be a "oh the Lord says to you.. " or "u know, i feel Jesus telling to tell you.. " but even so, a simple "hello", "thank you", "yay!", "you look great today" helps people to get along.

i really dont think Jesus was walking around with christianese terms flowing out all the time. i believe for sure He was real to the people around Him, by simply just being nice to them in a way that they thought nice was like.

haha dont worry, im not inviting a theological argument cause thats not my style or way of talking to people about Jesus.

i just want to W.W.J.D. (what would Jesus do) or sometimes W.W.J.S. (what would Jesus say?)

well.

dear reader, for you to make it this far into the blog entry, i salute you. =)

why not pass it on and bless someone today?

we meet once again!

2008-07-08T00:07:00.004+08:00

HELLO WORLD!

haha haven posted up anything for a long time. but well, never too late to start again. =)

heres a quote that i found in camp..

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with a few;

and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence."

Booker T Washington

cool huh? pretty much summarizes me. haha.

well, ORD in 28 days! PRAISE THE LORD! =)

till we all meet again, heres a picture that summarises my army specialisation.

Brokenness

2008-05-13T23:19:00.001+08:00

Brokenness

This devotional was written by Jim Burns

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.—Matthew 5:3

We have to see our brokenness as a sign of strength, not of weakness. When a person is truly broken of ego and can look at personal issues with a healthy perspective, he or she is ready to become the transitional generation from one of dysfunction to one of health.

A man e-mailed me after hearing me talk about this idea of brokenness on my radio program. He wrote, “Life in my family is miserable. I grew up in a horribly dysfunctional home, and now I realize I have imitating my family. When my mom got desperate to get our attention, she yelled. No I find myself doing the same thing with my kids and my wife. I took your advice and went to a counselor. After two sessions, I can honestly say I feel like I am on the way to a better relationship with my kids and my wife. The counselor asked me to look at my own hurts and deal with them before I tried to fix my family’s problems.”

This man’s life may not necessarily get easier immediately. In fact, it may get harder. Sometimes before freedom comes pain. But by facing his brokenness, he has a chance to bring a brighter future to his family. Someone once said, “If you aren’t growing, you’re dying.” The most genuine, authentic people are those who admit their struggles and seek God’s unfailing love and forgiveness.

If you’ve yet to face your brokenness head-on, take the time to get the help you need to make a difference in your life and in your family.

The first three steps in the twelve-step program for recovering addicts apply to everyone. Here is my personal paraphrase of those three steps:
1. I can’t do it on my own. I am broken.
2. Christ can and will help me as I call upon Him.
3. I must relinquish my will to the will of God.

By acknowledging these truths, we will be on our way to facing our brokenness and onto the pathway to recovery and health.

sunday the 12th!

2008-04-13T22:11:00.002+08:00

haha im always at a lost for titles. =)

what do i say? alot actually. for thos people who have been reading, thank you. haha its nice to be read-ed. i'll try to blog abit more often..

this has been a rather eventful week i must say. really,how i survive, its by God's grace and mercy. and His faithfulness, thats for sure.. suddenly its not so parched anymore huh? haha.

well, thursday was one of the highlights, a good one. had a mini cell outing organised by Teck Choon (thanks!), tho only 4 of us; Royston, Teck Choon, Gidsy and me. we still had fun playing pool, talking and laughing away. been awhile since we really had a cell outing and hanging out. we must do it more soon k! once MLM is over, cell will resume back to normal with bible study, prayer and bondings. its all exciting, cant wait to get things started and moving again.

Teck Choon, you have been a great encouragement to me, and everyone else around. more than you know or imagine. i believe that everyone who reads this will agree, your faithfulness and gentleness is unique and you're truly maturing into a man of God. keep it up my fren!

=)

im tired. hahaaa. ran 5.6 km in about 28 mins, im on course for my 42.195km in sub 4 hours if i can maintain this all the way. one of my goals for this year.. i think i need to run more at east coast park at night, maybe on wednesdays.. or mondays. or tuesdays.. its quite contradictary tho, here i am trying to build bulk but yet im cycling and running almost everyday. haha maybe just look lean? i dunno. either way just gotta be fit. and yes!!

i did 12 pull ups today!

i know i know, PTI supposed to do about 30 right?

but im not that type.. i used to be a ZERO fighter. 1 proper chin up also cmi. but now! 12! haha. i was smiling all the way back home.. i think my NS life has been filled with God's faithfulness and favour. so many things, so many stories.. come ask me! i'll be more than willing to share.. ask and you shall recieve. =)

today also in church, spent the afternoon clearing the cardboard boxes from last week's party with Gidsy and Clement. i felt abit like a karang guni man.. putting the boxes in size then using raffia and tying them up nicely. but to be all things to all man so that some might be saved. i hope i do meet that particular old man when i walk home from bukit merah.. it doesn matter how long the journey of 14 takes, as long as i get to meet him someday once again.

15 mins of tongues a day. logically thats not very long and it shouldn be very hard to do.. but because its something to do with God's kingdom, to do with God directly, it will be hard cause satan wants us to think its hard. but if we focus and really pray with all our hearts, 15 mins should not be a problem, even half hour too. just gotta press on

"let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season

we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Galatians 6:9

one of the definitions of weary is "impatient or dissatisfied with something" (thank you dictionary.com) doing good can be a stretch of patient sometimes. we speak in tongues 15 mins for 1 day and we expect something to be changed at once, thats hard. we need to be patient in doing good works, to be satisfied with doing the right things, progressive is the word.

because in due season (the right time), we shall reap (see the results) if we do not lose heart (consistently doing the good and pressing on) .

basically, to be patient because the results will come at the right time! we do the best of what we know and we leave the rest to God.. we can plant and sow and everything but He will give the increase at the right time. just gotta let God be God.

yes! let God be God. He knows all the things and all the appointed times. i believe He knows when my beloved will be coming. =)

alright. man utd vs arsenal awaits.. till we meet again! hopefully tml. =)

gdnight to all.

Jesus loves you..

really He does. =)

monday blues, reds, greens, yellows etc.

2008-03-31T19:12:00.002+08:00

hello.

haven had a personal blogging for sometime..

spent the day at home recovering from fever and headache and alot of other things that i just cant handle but i can only try to be numb and make sure it doesn seem obvious. makes me wonder whats going on with my body, overworked physically, mentally or emotionally? haha. we'll never know..

another 18 weeks to ORD!

finally, after going through 071006, its all coming to a closure soon. all the tough training, mental stress, emotional rollercoaster of the NS (with pride!) life is gonna be a thing / memory of the past. or a topic among ns guys / strangers that i'll see. for every phrase that i went through, there's a incident / song / something attached to it that makes me remember it so clearly..

BMT was the song "You're the God, You're God of miracles.."

SISPEC was the fact it rained everyday, during YA camp, christmas and new year and chinese new year.

PTI course was song "point of difference", my first sermon at GOP..

Unit life was church camp, the fact that i can sleep at home on my bed everyday! haha.

Lifeguard course was the fact that i always woke up late and even overslept on the bus to tuas! haha.

of course its all summaries.. there's so much more to talk about. good as well as bad..

but yes, 18 weeks to ORD, you would think i would be overjoyed (which i am partially).. but im just in a stuck state. ORD mode but reality is that im not. i want to stay home everyday but i cant. haha but lets be positive. i cant stay home and earn $xxx amount of money every month right? =) and i cant gym, swim and run for free every single day! the army's good. join the life and sign on! hahah righto.

what if i had signed on? what if i had been posted to OCS? what if i wasnt a fitness specialist? questions that will never be answered. unless i go heaven and God has this "what if" machine all prepared. that'll be so coooool.

whats life after this? there are a few choices.. like uni. thats one choice, if i get in for sure. all the dragon babies taking up the places, whats a tiger gotta do to get in? haha.
or work. something that i might really be doing.. somehow if that happens, its another phrase of life. no longer just temp or part time work, its work work, career work, feeding yourself and family work. i feel just a little old now. hahaa. gotta start thinking more about insurance, car license and car, income tax (!!!), financial planning (!!!!), soon a house, kids, education everything!!

lets reduce the moon gravity steps to earth gravity steps. i gotta see what the unis say about my application in May. big letter means yes yes and small letter means a no no. have to keep trusting Him..

Pastor Daniel's msg was very good on saturday! really really. i thought his points were very valid and his jokes are quite funny.the army's actually quite funny somtimes and he seems to be from the Army Recruitment Centre, asking us to serve with pride and loyalty!

haha kidding abt the ARC thing.

but yes. to know your enemy and to know yourself will win the battles as well as the war. if God dint want us to know about satan, He wouldn have mentioned him at all in the Bible. and already in genesis, we can see how crafty, decieiving satan is.. not believeing the lies that he puts in is important.

and also, succesful evangelism doesn just mean the person is saved! yes its very very good and joyous when a person is saved, but it often requires the first step of talking to the person about it. that itself is a challenge.

we do our best and we let God do the rest.. in the Bible it also talks about Paul and Apollos planting but yet it is GOD that gave the increase!

i think God's telling of us an important point. are we honoring God as God? Jayne did an excellent sermon at pre service. the part i like the most was the committment part.. we say with our mouths that we commit it to God but yet in our hearts, we're still nervous, panicky over the issue as if we hadnt prayed over it. actions needs to match the word. its almost like a faith in action thing as well. how can we say we have given it up to Him when we are still holding it close to us? food for thought.

worship was excellent. besides the fact that it sounds soo good, we all knew that its a worship unto God and something we all put 100% into. prayer really does make a difference. why? it sets the heart right, the tempo right and the consecration as levities and the seriousness of being able to serve the Lord.

dinner beckons! till we meet again!

The sheep wont miss you.

2008-03-29T02:02:00.002+08:00

The Sheep Won't Miss You

This devotional was written by Leslie Snyder

So now, go. I am sending you [Moses] to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.—Exodus 3:10

Monotonous. Tedious. Lonely. Boring. Safe. Those words may aptly describe the life of a sheepherder like Moses. They may also describe your life.

In the above Scripture, we find Moses tending sheep…or hiding. It really depends on how deeply you delve into the account of his life. You may remember that Moses’ life began quite dramatically: a threat to his life, a river rescue, and adoption into the house of Pharaoh. But after growing up and learning his true identity as a Hebrew, and killing an Egyptian, we find our hero living a life that is much less than dramatic. Moses became a shepherd, and he lived a life that likely became monotonous, tedious, lonely, boring and safe.

Enter God and His purpose. God had heard the cries of His people who were slaves in Egypt and He chose Moses to lead them out of their slavery. If you’re not familiar with the story, you might expect Moses to be rather excited about this new adventure. Something new has come along, an opportunity to do something great for God, to be someone great. But, that was not the case. If you look carefully into the text, you’ll see that Moses was simply afraid. He attempted to wriggle out of God’s assignment. In fact, the conversation between God and Moses gets quite heated with Moses making excuses, asking God to send someone else, asking for a sign and other seemingly cowardly responses. But God was clear. “I am sending you….”

In essence, God told Moses, “The sheep won’t miss you. This is the reason you were born.”

Doesn’t that resonate somewhere deep within you? Isn’t your life meant to be more than monotonous, tedious, lonely, boring and safe? What if God really does have a purpose for you?

Esther 4: 14b reads, “And who knows but that you have come to a royal position for such a time as this?”

Your life is not an accident. God loves you and calls us each to a life of great significance, no matter your circumstances. Do you believe it or are you hiding from the past, afraid to enter into the future God has for you? Now, be aware that following God’s purpose often requires great sacrifice. But, living for God’s purpose makes a life worth living.

What a devotional. we all have a purpose.. often its a choice whether we want to obey God's calling or not. sometimes its hard and it means giving / stepping out of our comfort zone. but if we dont do it, wheres the purpose in our life that God has intended? its surely more than just having a good life, education, career, stability etc.

The eternal purpose.

return of the kubi.

2008-03-17T23:30:00.002+08:00

haha weird title right.

haven blogged in a real long time actually, lazy, tired and other things. so thought i'll finally update the blog. and thank you all loyal readers and tag-ers for reading. =)

first,

Fusion Cup!

haha i think we really exceeded all expectations to go into the 3rd/4th placing match.. tho we lost 3-1 in the end, it was still worth the experience. not just for me but for every single person who took part in the tournament, and its great having the supporters to come down too. thanks to all that came and cheered their lungs/guts out,its much appreciated. Shawn the manager was outstanding in his tactics and training, first time i felt like a pro training. haha all credit goes to come for transforming us from underdogs to pitbulls. we'll definitely be playing together at least once a month and friendly matches whenever we can. =) and the pre-saved players to come church really soon for YA service! the bonds and friendships are built for a reason..

Fusion Cup 2008 Players -

Sunny
Alvin
Jun Wei
Ben Leung
Taufiq
Clement
Yee Seng
Gideon
Melvin
Vincent
Lemuel
Brendan
Lucas
Marcus G
Gregory
Rajiv
Kenny

Fixtures / Results -

CFC 1 - 1 Calavry XYQ
Herald 1 - 2 CFC
VFC 4 - 0 CFC
CFC 3 - 1 Calavry Spirits
SFC 3 - 1 CFC

Goals scored: 7 (Lemuel 4, Rajiv 2, Vincent 1)

well done everyone! till we compete again! =)

second,

everything else. haha so many things..but well, its passion week this week.

Good Friday plus Resurrection Sunday.

i think as a 2nd generation christian, i might not appreciate my salvation as much as a 1st generation. its not that im ungrateful for God's saving. its just that as compared to a 1st gen christian, my hunger and desire might not be as intense or as desperate. still, its no excuse to slack.

one of the things i've learnt last weekend was to love others like how God loves us. a very good sermon by Roland.. its easy to love the loveable but what about those that are "unloveable"? those are the harder ones to love, but do they still deserve love? yes they do, because Jesus came to die for all, not just for the loveable.

having said that, its my own personal battle plan to be nicer to my colleague at least. its honestly hard but i have to keep trying. he's still someone that God loves, and who am i to judge and say that he's not deserving of any brotherly love? its tough but its by doing this that people can see God's love. how to be a christian but dont' love? its just like going macdonalds and they're serving only fish and chips. =)

yeaaa. =)

time to start marathon training!

31st May - Sundown Marathon - 11.59pm kick off. - 42.195km

been out of marathon training due to soccer training, dint wanna tire myself out too much. but now its back to night runs, day bialthons, gym training and all. progressive training from 5km up to 36km. gotta find the time and place to run. and tons of new songs for the runs.

haha thats all for now! blogggg soonnn.

and passe is a french word? yes no? haha.

zz.

a leap year!

2008-02-29T00:46:00.002+08:00

haha random title as usual.

came across this devotional..

God Meets Our Deepest Needs

This devotional was written by Kelly McFadden

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

—2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NASB)

The first day back from Christmas break during my freshman year of college was the day God revealed himself to me as The All Sufficient One – or El Shaddai – as He is referred to in the Hebrew language. Within hours after arriving home, I learned I needed major jaw surgery and that my dad had cancer. It’s not that I didn’t know that God could take care of all my needs. But, it was on that day my heart finally understood what it meant to rely completely on Him to meet my deepest needs. It was an understanding I needed and relied on heavily throughout the following year.

My family had never felt so weak, inadequate and helpless as we did the night we learned of my dad’s cancer. So we prayed. It was unlike any prayer we had ever prayed before. Instead of telling God all that we wanted, we called out to God – The All Sufficient One. We gave over our situation, fear, worry and sorrow to the Lord. We thanked him for walking with us every step of the way. We handed over worry and doubt as we cried out to our Lord.

Years later now, I look back and still choke up thinking about that day. It was a tough year for our family. I would never trade it for anything, though. God walked us through a process of trusting and relying on Him in every situation both good and bad. He proved to be the All Sufficient One! Through the most challenging time our family had ever faced, we learned that He is all we need.

Think about a time in your life that God revealed himself to you as being the All Sufficient One. How has He shown you that He will take care of all your needs?

interesting devotional.

care for a share? =)

monday's over!

2008-02-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

hello..

realised my last post dint get thru, oh well.

thanks to everyone that supported one way or another for the soccer matches! whether you were there cheering your lungs/guts out or smsing and giving moral support, it is all very much appreciated. always nice to have ppl chanting or cheering or singing songs.hur.

here's the deal so far:

we have lost 1, drew 1 and won 1 each!

that gives us a total of 4 points.

we have a final game next week.. need to win be assured of a place in the finals. and hope the other two teams slip up real bad. =) but we can do it!

the thing about this team:

we were formed 2 weeks before the tournament,
never played a friendly(let alone competitive) game together before,
our first training session was on a small pitch,
half of us at least doesnt have big match experience,
we're slightly smaller size compared to the other team,
we have the smallest squad in the tournament.

yet..

we've scored 3 goals (courtesy of Lemuel (2) and Vincent)
we've fought back from 1-0 down to draw (1-1) and win (2-1)
we've displayed fighting spirit against all the teams
we've gel and bonded faster than expected
everyone puts in maximum effort and shows their talents (e.g. Gideon: man-mark specialist)
we're 2nd in the table!
and we're on course to the finals! =)

but of course.

all glory goes back to God.. not clinche. but really. how He's managed to allow us to even come together is a miracle in itself, and no bad blood within the team or with the other teams. and how He's helping our body to recover asap.. (match on sunday, training on tues). and how He's given us "sound minds (2 tim 1:7)" during the matches, not to lose our cool and do stupid things. i think God rocks. you think so? thats great.. =)

anyway for more updates on the soccer thing, refer to:
http://esoccerstars.com/display_league_info.php?selectedleague=79&leaguename=Fusion%20Cup

am goona sleep soon. tired and thumb's swollen.back to work, back to lessons and all the trainees, stress etc. oh well!

cell: this week stayover on friday! confirm attendance with Alberto, thanks Albert.. =)

dum dee dum.

2008-02-17T01:36:00.002+08:00

haha im supposed to be asleep right now. i fell asleep while watching soccer, i'll sleep soon.

tml's the match against calvary. haha like a derby, for honor and glory. =) we'll do well! even liverpool got beaten 2-1! (sorry Clement.) we're the underdogs tml for sure and we can pull off a shock.. hehe.

i love today. such an open atmosphere of loving the Lord throughout.. from the musician's prayer to pre service prayer led by aunty Tong to the actual service itself. its like today is a service by its own.. but we must have more of this! an encounter with the Lord most high in His love and peace. and overall was fun.. i never felt this relaxed before even though i had so many things on my mind. but hey, its a good thing. God knows when to let us "rest" before we embark on the journey once again..

gonna zzz.

cannavaro, nesta, ferdinand, woodgate, terry, vidic, pepe. hah i'll follow the tackles.

and Holy Spirit, You're on the team too!

Food for the soul..

2008-02-12T01:32:00.000+08:00

Verse 1:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
"It is well, it is well with my soul."

Chorus:
It is well (It is well)
With my soul (With my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Verse 2:
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul

Verse 3:
My sin, o, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Verse 4:
And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Sometimes, all we need is a song from God to light up the path. a joy thats never failing and a peace that never runs out.

i'll prob blog more this coming week on this lovely song. the story behind it.. till then, enjoy!

its in C btw. =)

it is well.. with my soul..

Attitude is Everything

2008-01-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

This devotional was written by Leslie Snyder

Rejoice in the LORD always. I will say it again: Rejoice! —Philippians 4:4

As you read it, remember the words of Paul in Philippians 4:11b, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances…”

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today ."

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and

saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today . "

So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and n

oticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."

So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and

noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

The road you are traveling may be difficult and even heartbreaking.
These seasons of life are inevitable. Yet, how we respond makes a tremendous difference. We can ask for God’s strength to help us.
We can choose the attitudes we live by, even on our darkest day.

ding dong bells!

2008-01-29T00:26:00.000+08:00

ok, the title has no meaning.. haha.

oh well, been awhile since i typed anything.. been too busy, tired and caught up to really feel like typing. but just decided to do so tonight anyway..

took leave today to spring clean the house, never knew there was so much dust, rubbish etc to be cleared. its an annual event, to breathe the dust and fall sick.:D haha.. did a lit jogging to singapore poly and back just now too, took abt 1 hr and covered a distance of about 8km. with badly scraped knees and a swollen ankle from yesterday's match. not recommended to anyone unless you do want to try to break the mind and pain barrier, or if u just need to take yr mind and burst your lungs out. =)

yesterday's match was not too bad i guess. i feared the worse but it turned out pretty alright.. sure we lost 3-0 but some of us put in commentable performances, Gideon, Clement and Jun Wei were defensively revealed. Mel in his raging best as a stopper and Brendan mauling down the flank. Greg with his flicks and stuff. and Sunny, outstanding as ever in goal to keep the scoreline down. =) well done guys..

dear beloved cell, like Mel's msg, this week's cell is on friday, please please come ok? and be prepared to pray for sometime, so dont tire yourselves out the whole day..

looking on, David said in 2 Samuel 23:24

".. i will not offer a sacrifice to the Lord my God which costs me nothing.."

sure, in his context, its just paying for the land from the landowner. but the principle is still the same. a sacrifice has to cost otherwise why call it a sacrifice? its a tough choice.. but what needs to be done has to be done i guess.. it will take alot of faith and belief in God to really carry it out wholeheartedly.

but,

there's light at the end of the tunnel.

and above the dark clouds, the sun still shines..

whoever that needs this, be encouraged.

God will not test us beyond what we can bear.

Ecclesiastes

2008-01-22T00:16:00.000+08:00

Ecc 3:1

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under Heaven.

Col 3:2

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.

nice verses, meaningful but yet tough to follow. ;)

Endure and Excel.

mid week.

2008-01-17T00:32:00.000+08:00

"you a PTI? sure anot?"

"so skinny.look at your arms, no muscle."

"no abs.whats wrong with you?"

"if u are a PTI, i also can..."

haha. all the doubts in the world floods into me once in a while in a form of doubting human beings. what can i do or say? my pride takes a beating but i still have to wear the cross sword proudly.

oh well, always coming in as runner up! haha. =)

so tiredddd. mentally exhausted from all the paper work, stress in camp but a day over means a day closer to ORD.. sounds so far but its only abt 7 more months. and hopefully, prayerfully, divinely university for me.

or maybe not? im always the odd one out, left behind. maybe i'll have to take a different path from my friends as usual. whats new? everyone will be talking about the same thing while i'll force a smile =) and try to join in but to no avail. hahahaa.weirdness.

aiya. all the questions and not much answers. who what when where how why?

i'll go read bible and then sleep.. a new day beckons!

Tuesday.

2008-01-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

Ages since i typed something.. so here's something.

interesting few days with Heidi Baker's conference actually. realised a few things.. sometimes just gotta face them head on as much as its uncomfortable.

well,nothing much to say actually, haha. im just going to sleep.. its amazing how things so far back catches up, when will it end? a good question. =)

looking forward to ignite! plus David's bdae.

TGIF

2008-01-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

hehe.

its fri.. finally. all the work's over for the next two days at least.. not that much stress, or is it? we'll see.

today was interesting. went to cornerstone for the conference.. but guess what? the overflow room was overflowed and there was no space. haha. so went for dinner and parkway.. its a good thing actually, makes me even more excited about whats to come in the next two days.

im not sure what to expect actually. its different from camps or what, conferences are just a lit hard to expect. nevertheless still have to try and expect something from God. what if im called to Africa? haha you never know ah.. but 1 step at a time. settle the internal before going to the external. all the thoughts/feelings are back again. why? i dun understand.. even in camp, as they keep flooding in, all i can think is..

come Holy Spirit, fall on me now

this song brings back much memories..

i need Your annointing, come in Your power

it seems like a power/warfare song but its so meaningful and real.

i love You Holy Spirit, You're captivating my soul
and everyday,
i grow to love You more..

the best is yet to come.

im reaching for Your heart, You hold my life in Your hands
drawing me closer to You, i feel Your power renewed
nothing compares to this place where i can see You face to face....
i worship You in spirit and in truth

humming the tune makes me feel better a little, gives me strength to go on somemore and not give up.

well,

gottttaaaa zzz. tired.

mid week!

2008-01-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

its wednesday!

haha. yes it is..

mid week. so many things done already.. feel a little more accomplished than i felt last wed.. its a good thing!

had precepts today. its super interesting to me, and its only the 1st lesson. firstly, its like a night class! haha thats the fun part. i always wanted to take night classes but this is something new.. secondly, going thru just the 1st 5 chapters of genesis has revealed stuff. its just the thought and the action of actually doing something to grow spiritually that is getting me excited.

i think meat is good for the body.. fed with spiritual meat and milk, exercised by speaking in tongues and using the gifts. quite good what? i mean if we just keep eating and eating and not exercising, we will be become fat? =) what happens in the natural happens in the supernatural.

its interesting how struggles dont go away, but continues to become a huger struggle as we deal with it face on. how interesting that we try every single thing to solve it before we turn to God.

He'll come through.. He always does.

pay's coming in a day!

ord is in approx 7 months.

oh well,

time to zzz. 5 am beckons.

and half day! (hopefully) =)

its safe to say monday's over.

2008-01-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

yes it is!

it is now tues, 0039 hours. (i just cant get the post to display the spaces in between!!)

another day at work,lovely dovely AFS. the work's all piling up.. lots of things to go through, review, present, go through, review, present, go through, review, present.neverending.. but wait. there's the swimming pool and gym besides my office. that makes the "go through, review, present" a whole lot less painful.

im so tired.. everywhere, everything.

how could i live without You

how would i survive

without Your love,

without Your touch..

You're the only one that heals me,

that cleanses my heart,

and sets me free..

ive been running everyday( at least today and yest), exercising when i get up and gymming at camp. body aches with satisfaction. hahaaa. weirdness. plus lookin through YA plans, reading the bible, derek prince, precepts tml and a whole lot of other things.. including the thoughts.

now i come right before You

with my hands lifted up

and my heart humbly bowed

at Your work on the Cross..

as You hung there and died,

You were paying the price

for my life

for my life..

God has to come through somehow. He always does, He just has to.

the desires, the struggles, the pain, the hidden sorrows, the mindsets, the questions, the doubts, the esteem and it goes on.

but He's..

simply God.

and

He has never failed.

for Your love is higher than the heavens

deeper than the seas

and all i want

is You in my life

no one else can satisfy my soul

and make me feel this way

only You Lord,

only You.

nuff said.

=|

2008-01-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

its sunday night!

tml gotta go camp. =) gotta think positive!

anyway, its been a great two days.. salvation plus meeting new people that will come to church! its so exciting.. Roland preached a great sermon(though its not new but still impactful) and Rev Patrick Lau preached a similar sermon too! God is just confirming what He wants us to do time and time again.

how? prayer, focus, getting distractions out of the way. nothing new but yet still always needs to be done. with a constant, disciplined effort. sometimes we know so much, we just got to do it. like do it! u know, do it! really, just do it.

prayer is so important. God confirmed it so many times today, through the message, through altar call, through comm meeting. time and time again, whats the private place like? is it filled with prayer? seeking after Him? putting Him first really? or is everything just going on human strength? there's actually a huge difference in two.

now( human strength and some prayer) = 1 salvation so far, new people coming to church, powerful worship, great sermon, open atmosphere.

future( with LOTS of private prayers) = salvations! (1 per week?) new people coming to church, MIND-BLOWING worship(there must be a God kind!), impactful and permanent sermons, open as well as expectant atmosphere, words of prophesy released during service, powerful altar calls with deliverances, healings, releasing of giftings etc. and so much more, thats just the beginning. ;)

its all there, need to just pray, do QT and do the small but important things in our lives!

small things:

parents - spending time(not just dinner silence) but communicating properly, serving them
school - doing well in schoolwork, tutorials, being a positive influence..

those are the main 2 small things. but they're important! i think i'll start to communicate properly with my parents from now on.. really talk to them during dinner times or whenever, make an effort to know them better? its gonna be weird, awkward intitally but its good and going a long way.

bible says to honor your parents and with a bonus of a blessing. ;)

haha. i on this hand, gotta stop struggling and let God be God. stop trying to solve the situation and only going to God when it cant be done.. thats not the way. God has to be there from the onstart. Lord, help me please.

im trading my sorrows,

im trading my shame,

im laying them down,

for the Joy of the Lord..

im trading my sickness,

im trading my pain,

im laying them down,

for the Joy of the Lord..

one of my fav songs too. meaningful to me, hard to sing but its possible..

yes Lord,

yes yes Lord..

yes Lord,

yes yes Lord Amen..

saying yes Lord, im giving it all to You. for Your Joy.. Your strength is made perfect in my weaknesses..

im pressed but not crushed,

persecuted not abandoned,

struck down but not destroyed..

im blessed beyond the curse that His promise will endure,

that His Joy's gonna be my strength

though the sorrows will last for the night,

His joy comes with the morning!

His joy's gonna be my strength! =)

whoever that reads this, hang in there. dun be a survivor be an excelator. =)

CELL GROUP:

7pm at cityhall mrt, dp chapt 1. see ya!

waddup.

2008-01-04T01:43:00.000+08:00

good night!

haha. yes im so tired.. so busy at work handling training programs, trainees and politics. oh my, army sure is exciting huh? all the bits and pieces that serve to make my life more exciting, at the same time a little closer to the end of it. =) but whats more exciting is what is to come in 2008! for YA!

haha so many things! battle plan, exciting program ahead, EVANGELISM! camps, missions, parties etc. its all good. realised that i do have a few things to take care of.. and its gonna stretch me quite a bit, i've never really done it before but its always a good experience. life's full of that.

well, bible in 1 year seems to be going well for the past 2 days! haha. read until gen 7:11. hope whoever that's doing it will stick to it, faith-in-action, running the race until the end. wanna know God more? this is a good way, most simple, straightforward way.. =)

oh well. guess gotta go sleep.. otherwise i need to start fighting a tougher battle against those thoughts, i thought it was banished in 2007 but 2008 its here again. but then, as i trust in God, He'll give me the strength to overcome them somehow, to fill my mind with Godly thoughts, plans and visions for His kingdom ahead..

You give and take away,

my heart will choose to say,

Lord blessed be Your name...

2008!

2008-01-01T22:29:00.000+08:00

Its here! 2008 is here!

Haha doesn't feel that much difference, but the new year is here. fresh start, but this time, im determined to make it a consistent, continued fresh start. =)

before anything else, just some past memories of 2007..

hehe my cell group. was taking during cell presentation in May..

Good memories of a friendship.. 10 years ago and now..

my life in AFS.. this is a picture when my senior ORD-ed.. mine's in AUG!

(from left): Joseph(boss), Max(senior), Gabriel, Hong, me, Ryan..

this was my 21st birthday surprise! hah.

Orphanage group photo during INFACTION 2007.. faith in action indeed..

i always save the best for the last..

my closest friends on christmas day.. =)

and thats 2007! =)

now for 2008..

its a weird feeling i guess today? not here not there, not depressed not over the moon. its like normal. i guess partly normal or not totally over the moon is cause i gotta go back to work, waiting for all the workload to come in, more lessons to take, training programs to do. but on a bright side, this time next year, i would have ORD-ed! haha. finally..

time really flew. this time last year i had to book into sispec, couldn enjoy my day in peace but this year, im here at home blogging. God is certainly faithful and all knowing and has a great plan! i think after going thru NS, im starting to understand:

"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.. "

Jer 29:11

becoming a Physical Training Instructor (PTI) was the last thing i ever wanted. why? im not a physically fit person, i kept failing IPPT, couldn do pull ups and jump far. when i got posted into Army Fitness Centre, it was a shock as well as a dread of whats to come. but God is faithful and in my weakness, His Strength is made perfect. what i thought impossible, He made it possible, what i could not do, He can do.

and here am i, a PTI. learning to embrace physical fitness more as the day goes by, meeting different people in the gym and impacting their lives in His way possible. having not to stay in from mon to fri, freeing me to do His work and expand His kingdom. its just so amazing, that how everything just worked out just right!

i believe 2008 will be a greater testimony than this!

Cant wait for His plan to start unfolding.. but first things first! Bible in 1 year! =)

Today gotta read Gen 1:1 to Gen 4:7..

i only completed up till book of John last year but this year i'll finish it! haha. its all possible..

2008..

Faith in action.

"show me your faith without your works, and i will show you my faith by my works."

James 2: 18b

7 1/2 hours..

2007-12-31T16:30:00.000+08:00

Hello world.

its 7 1/2 hours to 2008 and im sleepy.. slept too much already i think. oh well..

29/12

CFC - YM + YA came together and had a combined service! our attendance was 140! haha i think abt that. its so amazing and its just proof that God is so faithful to us.. when we split, it was 70 meaning 35 and 35. but now its 140, meaning 70 and 70! we've doubled in size! seeing so many youths praising God during the praise songs was amazing.. its like mini youth rally actually. then worshipping their hearts out, kneeling, crying, lifting of hands. they are the changes in the world today, the light on the hill that cannot be hidden.. =) and its so timely that Sarah S shared for prayer, Rach led worship and Roland preached the sermon. i think seeing the combined event (YM + YA) meant so much more to them than to us considering that they were the pioneers in 2000.. well. to quality as well quantity growth in 2008! to influenze and infact, 1 to 1 in 1 and faith in action! =)

THEN! got the post party.. haha. its like gift of love, serenade,broken,u turn, 2001 st john camp, youth past and present combined into one! haha. Isaac and team did a really excellent job in bringing CFC's past to the people who just came in during the past 2 years.. seeing myself on video for 2001 was also interesting.

thank God for everything and how He has bought me thru these 6 years. everything that i am now wouldn be without His faithfulness, love and def grace and mercy. i dun deserve anything but yet He gave me everything.

well, moving along nicely.. the highlight of the night. the sliddddeeeee! haha. sliding down the church carpark ramp? =) its the stuff dreams are made of but that night, it was a reality! haha. soap dopey down the slide twice for me! spent half the time making sure people went down really fast with Melvin.. it was so fun. and great to see everyone just let loose and have so so much fun. i think that was a good bonding activity for YA, to unite us even as we march ahead into the new year full of Faith as well as Action!

30/12

woke up with aches all over. prob from the clean up the previous night.. hehe. mega craze but we did it! =)

i think service each week is getting better.. simple msgs but powerful altar calls and the best part of the service is when the altar call is over and every member of the church starts singing together in worship to God. thats the most amazing and goosebumping part..i just hope its not a phrase or just a nice thing to do. but it'll be a continued act of worship to God as a church in decisive unity.

after service, went for lunch, hung in the youth room, had a little chat with beloved Pastor Mark and then off to soccer! east coast cage soccer, artificial turf, 2 hours of non stop action.
Clement, Mark, Yee Seng, Rajiv, Marcus G, Gideon, Jun Wei, Kenny, Lemuel, Brendan, Melvin, Shawn Lim, Lucas, Sunster played.. took turns to play in teams of 5, was super fun. i think im a horrible goalkeeper, cant save the ball for nuts. but im a better defender.. proved that to myself in the last 2 games.. haha. silly oh well. its good to have the everyone playing together once again after a long long long time. prob make this a monthly sunday thingy. its a good chance to get to know Marl, Rajiv, Yee Seng better, to reach out to them through lifestyle evangelism too. sometimes, we dont have to search for opportunities to evangelise but they are there, right at our doorstep, waiting to be ushered into the kingdom of God.

after soccer, went for dinner at bk with Mel, Marcus, Gideon, Clement and Jun Wei. haha sat and talked and ate. the cell's good. great to be hanging out with them after a long time too..sometimes i think im too busy to spend time with them and thats not a good thing. but we'll be having cell meetings/outings more often, bringing in the new ones and integrating them as well.

31/12

All that i am, all that i have,
i lay them down before you O Lord,
All my regrets, all my acclaims,
The joy and the pain, im making them Yours..

and here i am. typing on this blog. waiting for time to pass to head to church..

2007. what a year.. so many things that went on. the pain, the sorrows, the hurts. the joy, the satisfaction, the love.

Things in the past, things yet unseen,
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true,
All of my hope, all of my plans,
My heart and my hands,
Are lifted to You..

be it private or public, its now all in the past. letting go of it and moving ahead to His greater plan in 2008. thats the idea, its not going to be easy but its going to be worth it. i just hope i wont make the same mistakes and i hope to do greater things for God this coming year..

Lord i offer my life to You,
Everything i've been through,
Lord use it for Your glory,
Lord i offer my days to You,
Lifting my praise to You,
As a pleasing sacrifice,
Lord i offer You my life..

one of the most meaningful songs ever. my prayer for 2008..

What can we give that You have not given,

And what we have that is not already Yours,

All we possess are these lives we're living,

And thats what we give to You Lord..

wassup.

2007-12-29T01:30:00.000+08:00

i should be sleeping. like now.. gotta get up at 530, get a lift at about 630 and then reach camp abt 715 to begin the AFS anniversary.. half day sat in exchange for mon's half day.. so long weekend for me. hha oh well. this past 2 days have been good i guess? fulfilling,exciting, lots to look forward to in 2008 actually.

Faith-in-action. cant wait to see all that happening.

till then,

gdnight world..

He's my God and He is refuge
He's the rock on which i stand
He's my fortress, God He is my light,
He holds the oceans in His hands..

There's nothing my God cannot do..

dodaladoodle.

2007-12-27T02:06:00.000+08:00

its a rather interesting day, all the emotions, thoughts etc. wonder why they're back again. but they'll soon be gone cause its not right to keep dwelling on them.

spent pretty much most of the day at home.. hah whats new. woke up, ate and then slept again. what a pig huh? plus still sick, lots of green stuff and losin my voice slowly. BUT! went for Gab's cell chalet thingy in the evening, that was so much better actually.i always thought that being alone at home to relax was good but i realised that being in the company of others also help quite a fair bit. so it was a good thing to have gone.. =)

went there with Dickson, Megan, Dawn, Joel, Michelle..met the new guy Alwyn along the way too. then saw Gab + cell while walking in.. haha they rented bikes! the bikes were prob the best thing to do the whole night.. reached there, saw my cell and others, started bbqing and eating like nothing and then the cycling begun! haha. really, that was so so so so so fun.. up and down the slope, danger of getting hit by cars etc. =P what a life. 1st trip was with Gab/Jayne (dual bike), Joel, Teck Choon, Coral, Nelsen and Michelle.. went to changi v, 2 rounds around it and then back to the chalet (which is at a super ulu place btw.) went back ate and talk somemore with the rest of the peeps, getting to know everyone alittle better..

and 2nd trip! was to get drinks anyway. but still fun. it was me/Jayne, Joel, Maddy, Alex and Michelle..haha. uncle Tay and aunty Tong on a dual bike and going crazy! haha. not bad eh? we're a powerful duo. =) tho the upslope really took my thighs out but its good training! haha. the bike made weird noises but we took care of it. tay and tong. a tag team. haha even saw a bapo on the way back.. but thats a dose of reality in sg's nightlife.

moving on. went back for awhile, play game of life before getting a lift from Jayne's dad to tampines to take cab back. $24. chor man. i need to save $$, driving's coming, insurance plan is coming. oh well.. im so tired. even though i slept a reasonable amount today.. i wonder why. maybe im just exhaused from all the mind battle that im going thru.

anyway! next year, think i'll take part in quite a few races. 29/05 is the sundown marathon (http://www.sundownmarathon.com/) , prob do the full marathon, the ultra one will just kill me. next up is the lioncity marathon (http://www.lioncitymarathon.com/) 29/06, full marathon too. haha 1 month to recover in between, i wonder if its enough.. then aug AHM, and then dec stand chart once more. madness with all these marathons, i guess it gives personal satisfaction? prove to myself i can actually do a physical activity like how other people can too. haa quite silly but whatever works, i'll try it.. so that means i gotta start training! 5 months of condition runs, conditioning core muscles etc. and running helps to keep the thoughts away, i wonder why..

moving nicely along. gotta start reorgn my life again! need to head back to wok -shudders-, so need to be prepared mentally for the workload for WY08. battle plans for YA! all the exciting things to put into place, therefore gotta start working hard and make sure 2008 is a year of F.I.A. (faith in action) and more! service with goosebumps, a touch from God, a word of knowledge, a word of prophesy, healings, miracles. thats gonna happen soon. it has to! and salvations! a growing, healthy YAs living for Jesus. which reminds me. gotta plan cell vision for 08 soon and how to have a multiplication process soon.. tough but needed.

i shouldn blog too much. i think im addicted but only because its easier than to keep writing all my thoughts into a book. the personal ones i will la. but like all this stuff are share-able. and for edification! let all who reads be blessed and encouraged.. =) somewhere in the Bible says "to be all things to all men so that some might be saved" to the bengs, be a bengz, to a mat, be a mat brudda etc. gotta save people along the way! its hard but its worth it because thats the greatest impact/fulfillment of the last commandment and its for the eternity!

i think tats all for tonight. so tired.

here's a real old song chorus:

i want to walk You with every step of the way
to talk with You in the good and the bad
You're my friend
You're my father
for all times...
and nothing will keep us apart...
You're the lover of my heart..

hah. the old songs still rocks..

and its all over..

2007-12-25T23:55:00.001+08:00

Christmas! is almost over.

or will be when im done with this post at least..

24.12

shopping at orchard from 1130 to 4, at least half the time with 1 contact cause the other fell out while blinking, lovely huh? looking for presents while being a cyclops. =) not as if anyone knows.. haha. "put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness" result of asking God how i should feel about everything.. hey, that works. =)

Roland's house for steamboat/countdown? haha. it was fun just chilling, eating, laughing, singing and being rowdy.. i think its a good way to spend christmas eve, should make that an annual affair. saves all the trouble of not being alone on christmas eve. wrote cards from 1 to 4.. every year i resolve not to be last min but yet it keeps on happening, nvm 2008 will be a changed year!

25.12

woke up late, slept for about 2 1/2 hours, so tired but i guess happy? at least for most of the day.. its christmas anyway! it really doesn feel like it but need to make it somewhat like it..
service was interesting, 3 piece band, interesting songs as well, haha. emmmmmmmanuueeeeeel. lots of presents exchanges, photo taking.. lunch with cell at macs, great talking to them, especially getting to know Royston better, cant afford to lose anyone to the "backdoor" thing again. everyone that comes in must stay in.. it was nice that Samuel, Teck Choon and Royston prayed for me to get well after service, a real sweet gesture. one of the little things that makes my day a lit better.. =)

thereafter hung out at gelare with Meredix, Michelle, Sj, Ade, Fx,Gab before heading to Meredix's house.. watched this dvd called "13 going on 30". interesting show, alright so i teared a bit but who doesnt? =) i guess its cause i feel the pain(not totally understanding it), the emotions portrayed are so real also. but then, its just a movie.. how the story turned out in the end will never ever happen in real life. its a sad but very real truth. because i prob cant ever say "i've always loved you" to anyone without the person laughing in my face.. haha. oh well, moving nicely along. =)

had dinner at bro's place with his parents in law. haha weirdish but alright laaa. i fell asleep during the whole thing for about 2 hours.. cant believe it. only woke up when it was time to give out the presents.. felt sick, head spinning, eyes super dry and dizzy. but im back in the comfort of my own home, just finished going thru my christmas stuffs.. oh well. i guess its time to hit the sack. and time to get back into a work momentum.. all the paper work, workload, politics to handle once i step into camp..

Jesus please give me strength to go thru all this. to take in my stride things i cannot understand or control. to make my word my bond. to look at the big picture. to see people with Your eyes. to have compassion like You do. to have faith. to carry out Your plans and purposes. to endure the pain. to love You even more wholeheartedly.

oh, another 5 days to 2008. i wonder what it'll bring..

My first post!

2007-12-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

A couple of eons late on the blog thing but oh well.

i guess this would be better than having to write on pen and paper all the time. =) a little like an online diary but then, minus off the real personal stuff.

its 23/12, 2 days to christmas and 8 days left to end of 2007. welcome 2008! i wonder what challenges 2008 will bring. 2007 has been a rather interesting year? lots of ups and downs. definitely alot of challenges as well. army provided a huge challenge, why on earth was i chosen to be a fitness specialist! but God got me through and im not complaining right now.. i took charge of my cell group once again, time management was interesting but it was worthwhile looking back at it. AFS incident, stress levels were at an all time high but thank God for bringing me through in 1 piece as well as with my sanity intact. YA camp! haha. being camp commandant was very interesting, quite an experience.. wouldn mind it again, def learnt alot from it.

those are some of the major stuff that hit me. letting go of certain things was also painful but i believing needed to have a kingdom mindset.

Roland preached an excellent sermon last night. but then again, its not anything new, its just reinforcement into our YA to make our decisions count, make the battleplans action executable and the dreams realised. 4 simple points really:

1. It requires HARD WORK
2. It requires FOCUS
3. It requires COMMITTMENT
4. It requies KINGDOM MINDEDNESS

something new? not really. basically just committed, focused hard work with a kingdom mindset. can be done? of course. just gotta press on, suck thumb and push it up. im just praying for 2008 to be a year of FAITH in ACTION. so exciting to see all the YAs doing up their dreams and visions to change the world around, cant wait for some of them to be realised and put into action! like the sawang youth camp! haha. thats def gonna be exciting, even more so considered who the person was planning for it. great things are just around the corner of 2007 into 2008.

a dream? i realised i dont exactly have one big, gigantic, world changing one. but i guess mine is to impact lives in a way unexpected, to be a positive influence, to encourage, to speak words of wisdom into others. and to help others fulfill their dreams, everyone needs someone to believe in them so i can be that someone to believe in them! hah.

lala. sore throat, running nose and pimples filling me up.christmas joy..hurhur. still gotta do up a proper list of people to get stuff for, at least the cell's settled so far. =)

Jesus..